Thursday, June 24, 2004

Actual Dollar Cost

IVF costs $8310, plus $1680 for ICSI, $425 for anesthesia, plus the drugs and physician fees. If I get lucky enough to have leftover embryos to freeze, it costs $1160 to freeze them, $365 per year to store them, and $910 to thaw them. I have over $1000 in fertinex in my fridge, plus the lupron, birth control pills and progesterone. Each price is like an ice pick repeatedly stabbing me in the womb. If my problem was after conception, it would be covered by insurance, but since it's before, it's not. Seems fair? All this for only a 30% chance of conceiving... or else return to Go and do not collect $200. Actually, start paying it all out again.

Let's not forget that we're coming into this already having had spent a bunch. Not counting all that we spent on the 6 medicated cycles and 3 injectable IUIs to conceive Janie, for this attempt at another miracle we've already paid for 3 more failed IUIs on various injectables. I also had a hysteroscopy last week and more blood work than could be figured.

It's the judgments that people make against those who can't conceive that give the insurance companies the easy out. If I believed in conspiracy theories, the theory would be that the insurance companies don't want to pay for all this so they continue to feed the media stories on the edge of fertility (such as cloning or McAughley septuplets) to keep the general public suspicious of the fertility treatments and unwilling to cover them.

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In other news, I talked to Valerie today. Her brother is visiting and she's feeling good. She actually asked if the travel was going to be possible with my IVF schedule. Yes, I'm threading it in between ultrasounds, but I was impressed that she thought of me considering all she's got going on (see yesterday's post). She put the baby up to the phone and I could hear her little cooing noises. It made me want to cry happy tears, but thankfully I'm not on drugs enough yet to let that happen. Now, the birth control pills just make me bitchy, but that could just be me. Hard to say really at this point.

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I'm working late tonight. I took a nap from 8-9pm, so I can stay up late finishing up this work. I've got an early morning ultrasound so I'll have to drop Janie off at school two hours earlier than usual and then race off to the hospital 1 1/2 hours away (in regular traffic). Then, I have a phone meeting that starts 1 1/2 hours after the start of my ultrasound. Unless they get me in and then out, I'll be late which really sucks. I hate being late, especially since I'm leading it. So I've forwarded them things to get started on in my absence, notified them I'll be late, and extended it an extra half hour. Oh joy, I bet they were so excited about that.

I'm thinking about telling my boss when I'm back in town so that she knows I'm not flaking out in July. I have told one person at work, my friend Di, but I have a feeling she may have already told my boss (she also works for her). I think this because today my boss called me, and told me that she fired one of our coworkers so she needs to take her duties and give them to the rest of us. She didn't give me any of those extra duties, but then she offered to take some of my duties and redistribute those as well. What? Why? I think I'm doing a good job, and everyone is already going to have more, so it would seem bad timing. But, if Di told her, then maybe she's trying to do me a favor. Maybe it could be a favor, but I have a hard time letting go of work. I called Di and asked her if our boss was unhappy with my work since she tried to take it away from me. Di assured me that the boss loves me and was probably just thinking outloud. I didn't ask Di if she told her about the IVF since I had already sworn Di to secrecy and didn't want her to think I didn't trust her. I just don't trust in general. So I think my boss knows, so telling her will only show her that I trust her and we can talk about any concerns she has about my ability to work this month.

Truth is, I don't know how much this will affect me so I don't know what I can or can't handle. If I can't handle it, then I'll tell her and ask for her help. I've done it before when I was having my back-to-back gall bladder and breast lump surgeries in December and January. I don't like giving up work. Work is part of me and who I am. Sad, huh?

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Today I took Janie for her first real haircut. She's had small ones before. Valerie trimmed her bangs and sides once when I was at work. I was peeved since I especially didn't want the sides cut, but not as mad as you'd think for missing her first haircut. Actually, a year before then she had a first haircut from a stylist I paid for my brother's wedding. Her hair was so short, and the stylist barely trimmed, mainly just played with it. Today the stylist straightened things out and took length from the back to try to make it more even with the sides, but all in all it doesn't look that different. I'm glad since I was scared that her curls would be cut off and be gone forever, but I also had hoped for some more style since I felt she needed more layers so that it would be more curly.

Janie's hair is one of the attributes that makes her look like an actual angel. When I was pregnant, I had assumed she would look like the little Pepsi commercial girl with Matt's dark curly hair and brown eyes and my dimples. Matt has black hair and brown eyes. My hair is brown and eyes are hazel. Instead, Janie has blond curly hair and blue eyes, and my chubby cheeks but without the dimples. She looks a lot like Shirly Temple (her Halloween costume last year) or a cherub. My mother and half my siblings are blonds, my father has green eyes, and Matt's mother has blue eyes, so maybe her looks aren't so surprising. But they still are to me. I look at her and I can't believe she came from me. She even likes chicken nuggets instead of cheeseburgers! Can you imagine? Anyways, whenever she's with my blond sister or curly haired Valerie, people will first assume she's theirs instead of mine. About a month ago, a flight attendant complimented me on her, then asked if my husband was blond. No, my husband's not blond, but there were those Vikings who pillaged our village about 9 months before she was born.

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