Saturday, June 26, 2004

Birth Story

All went well with my pre-Lupron ultrasound yesterday. Nothing to see here people. Please move along. Tomorrow night I'll start the Lupron, and on rollercoaster terms I think that means the start of that click click click noise as we start our initial climb to IVF. My doc, Dr. Young Power Chickie did it. In the few minutes we were together, I managed to squeeze in the fact that my brother is a doctor. I'm not doing this to impress her that maybe I'm smart because he is (although that could be implied), but in hopes that she will see that I'm associated to her elite club so treating me would be like treating her own sister. I don't know if she got that inner message, but it's worth a try.

I've heard that another doctor at the practice is highly revered and respected. For the same money, I could be seeing him instead, if I'm willing to wait the few months to get an appointment. Dr. Power Chickie seems nice enough, although during one IUI when I was very down during the procedure (because I knew the odds were so low with only 2 measly follicles considering I'd had loser cycles with 6), she actually told me to stay positive. That she'd had more success with patients who were positive. Maybe they were positive because their odds were higher with only 2 follicles. Or, maybe they were positive because it was only their first and therefore they had not yet had their hopes crushed. All I know is that right before the IUI where we conceived Janie, the PhD embryologist lab guy came in and told us that considering the results of the SA we did the week before and our counts that day, we were wasting our time with IUI and needed to move on to IVF with ICSI. (Have I told this story before? Probably, the whole wasting of time quote has stuck in my psyche.) Anyways, I cried for 2 weeks, gave our RE hell in a meeting, was the most negative person ever, and it was the cycle that worked. I'm thinking my best chance for success may be when I'm depressed and have given up hope rather than when I'm hopeful. In any case, I don't need a doctor telling me to stay positive to increase my chances. I'll be how I am and it will either work or won't. I don't think the egg and sperm are checking out my face for expression before they decide to tango. I think they're caught up in the heat of the moment and could care less about their host's current state of positiveness.

But I have decided to stay with Dr. Power Chickie for this IVF. She's very young, yes, but I think she has something to prove. Plus, she's been under the tutelage of Dr. Revered and it's all one practice. If it doesn't work, I can always switch. She was also somewhat considerate during the IVF appointment. I feel I have more control of the situation with her than maybe a Dr. Revered because I'm not afraid to ask or say something. She's not as kind and caring as my last RE at their practice, Dr. Been There who I had for the last few cycles, but Dr. Been There doesn't do IVF so I had to move on. I would have loved to have become friends with Dr. Been There, because she had implied she been through this to have her daughter who is also my daughter's age, and she actually seemed to care about me.

Thursday night, I went to bed at 4am and got up at 6am. I stayed up all night getting work done for my meeting that was right after my u/s. When I went to bed, Janie was sleeping in my bed with Matt. I scooted her over and she curled up against me. Even though I was so tired, I couldn't sleep. I could only listen to her breathe, touch her hair, and feel her feet on my legs. I remembered when I was pregnant with her and for the first few months I had rented a doppler machine so I could listen to her heartbeat. I would listen all the time. The sound of it was so real and comforting. It was as if we were having a conversation in our own language. I knew she was there and okay. Last night with her next to me, I wanted to open myself up and put her back inside me where she would be safe. I understood why kangaroos have pouches and wished I had one. I think I slept from 5am-6am, then got up and showered for my appointment. When I started getting her dressed, she was fast asleep but woke up part way through and started crying. She didn't want to get dressed. Usually in the morning I carry her to the couch, lay her down, put her ducky blanket on her, then turn on Sesame Street or Clifford. She cried that she wanted to go to the couch. I told her that we couldn't do that today, but tomorrow is Saturday and we can do it then. I felt horrible dropping her off at school 2 hours earlier than usual. She was the first kid there! I set her up with her breakfast and promised she would be picked up earlier than usual. She looked so sad and sleepy. I then took off to the RE's office. Really, I could have taken her with me, but I think bringing children into an RE's office is cruel. I've seen the women that do and it bothers me, and I have a child! Out of my 10 million appointments I've had this year, Janie has come with me to one. We waited outside the office in the general area not waiting area until they were ready for me. Then I had to explain to Janie that the doctor would be looking at my peepee with a special flashlight camera that would show pictures on the TV. She was very good until the end with Dr. Been There took the printed pictures from the u/s machine and started to leave. Janie wanted to see them. Of course, Dr. Been There then showed her the pictures because she's just that type of person. After she left, Janie complained that we didn't get to keep any, and I knew how she felt because sometimes I would like a copy too.

But, all these doctors looking at peepees with flashlights are not good things for little kids to learn. She's seen me take many many shots, so when she plays doctor she always gives her patient a shot in the stomach rather than arm or behind. She has a way of telling anyone anything that goes on in our house, so I'm afraid one day she's going to tell a teacher about my bag of drugs, tons of shots, and pictures of my peepee. Explaining how babies are made will be a much less embarrassing discussion, but a lot more technical. Matt barely understands the process we'll be going through.

She does know how babies come out. Valerie showed Janie her c-section owie, and Janie's seen my scar as well. What, you mean they don't come out that way? At least for me they do. And if I get pregnant again, I'm going straight to c-section. Last time I labored and was in excruciating pain for 12 hours because Janie wouldn't drop and I wouldn't dilate to 4 (I was at 3) to get an epidural. They had me on huge quantities of pitocin to expedite labor due to my water having broke hours before, which was just causing me to have unending horrible contractions. I was in such horrible pain that I was screaming and didn't care who heard it. I wanted to pick up a chair, through it through the window and jump out because I only wanted the pain to stop. Eventually they did give me the epidural, and I immediately dilated to 10. I pushed for 2 hours, but I was completely sapped of strength from the hours of pain prior, so I think I was a terrible pusher. I couldn't talk and just kept throwing up. Meanwhile, my 8lb 13 oz baby was wrong side up and had her head turned, so she never moved from -2, she was stuck in my pelvis. I ended up c-section, where one doctor had to push to unjam her while the other pulled from the incision site. She had a knot on her head. I Told You So! Next time I'm going straight to c-section. I know the docs and nurses don't care about my pain (no matter what they said beforehand) and that they are barbaric enough to let me be in agony for hours (no matter how much I begged for an epidural and had an epidural in my birth plan). Next time I will have a date set, go in, get an epidural, and have her out within minutes. Bliss. Valerie's husband thinks that's wrong, but I don't care what he thinks.

It's funny that I can talk about my future c-section when the odds of me getting pregnant again are so small. My birth plan for the next baby is not that important if there is no next baby. I've been talking about that next c-section for the last 3 1/2 years and I'm still not pregnant.

On the way back from my u/s yesterday, Natural Woman came on the radio and I sang along. I sing it for Janie, my sunshine. Isn't it funny that a child who was conceived in science and born from a surgical procedure can make me feel natural? There is nothing about her that is manufactured. I hate those hypocritial fertiles thinking that she's not because of how she was conceived. They're hypocritical because they think all other medical procedures are courageous and important, but fertility treatments are crimes against nature. The question is more common when you have twins of whether or not they are 'natural'. If I get lucky enough to have that problem, I plan on telling people that they are made mostly of synthetic fibers, but isn't it incredible how natural they look?

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