Saturday, June 19, 2004

First Entry Ever

My child and husband are sleeping. The house is quiet except for the sounds of my typing. What has brought me to sharing myself in this manner? Do I really have something substantial to add to the literary world? Not really, but I keep on typing.

I have thoughts I have to get out. I would really like to call my best friend V and talk to her about all these thoughts that keep me up so late at night. Right now she's going through her own life trainwreck so she really can't help me. I don't blame her; I miss her and her dark sense of humor. Since we haven't told anyone else about what we're doing next month, I'm really feeling alone right now.

July we start our first cycle of IVF. I've read all the office handouts, tons on the internet and about 1 1/2 books on the subject, but none tell me what I really want to know which is whether it will work. What if it doesn't? What if it doesn't?

I remember when I was pregnant with J. It took us 2 years and tons of medical technology to create her, far more time than the pregnancy lasted. I couldn't imagine life after the due date. It was as if the calendar ended and it was a cliff that time fell off, or at least slid off kind of like a Dali painting. Now she's 3 1/2 years old and I'm still in disbelief that I have her. She's funny, devious, smart, and fun to watch. She cried when Shrek II ended because she loved being at the movies and didn't want to leave. She looked at each person leaving the theater as traitors for walking out during the credits instead of banding together in solidarity for unending movies.

She is perfect. Is it wrong to want another? Am I selfish to ask for another miracle? What about all those who don't have one? I remember when that was me. The thought of not ever having a baby was much much worse than what could happen now... having an only child. They're not comparable pains, but then this isn't a contest. Maybe its a spectrum and I feel in the middle. I'm really really lucky to have one. But, I'm not near as lucky as those who can make babies as easily as I was told in high school. I justify this quest as normal in that any fertile couple can create another child without even trying and never be called selfish or told they're asking for too much.

Train of thought... Hijacked.

This reminds me of the RE's waiting room. There always seems to be couples in there looking very despondent and checking us out when we walk in. What I would like would be a knowing smile and little wink from another sister. Instead, it's as if there's a limited number of babies they're holding in the back office, and we're sizing up who is the better candidate to get one before they run out. Lately I've been arriving in a good mood because moving on to IVF, although scary, means getting to trying in a way that can really give us a good chance of getting us a baby. They probably think I'm smiling because I have a positive test. No, I'll be back again in a few days, but I feel closer to a positive than I did when we were doing those IUIs. Then I felt like I was going through the motions.

So I'm excited. Very excited. Maybe... and it makes me smile. But then again, maybe not. Maybe it won't work. What then? It's that cliff again where time ends at the end of the cycle.


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