Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Secrets

Yesterday I finally got to pick up my refill on the birth control pills. I need to take birth control pills for 30 days, but there are only 21 active pills in a pack, so my RE called in a refill. The insurance company wouldn't pay for the refill until the 22nd day. Why? I haven't costed them anything in birth control since 1998. Did they think I was starting a clinic for wayward girls? Can't they tell from the rest of my prescriptions that I'm not that interested in birth control? Considering the cost of this compared to the other drugs, you'd think this would be the easy part.

I was thinking about our savings. Over the past few years we've saved some money. Originally it was going to be to fix our retaining wall, or retile our bathroom, or remodel our kitchen, or buy me a new car. Instead it will be going towards IVF. It's hard to let it go. Sometimes I look around and see all the things we need to fix and I think that I'm being very selfish by using the money on a maybe baby. Maybe. My best friend V said that I was spending it all on a lottery ticket with just as poor odds, but I won't even win a million dollars, just maybe a baby. Maybe. What it's worth depends on how much you value conception.

I want to dance around and sing and dream about the possibility of getting pregnant next month, but I can't. If it doesn't work, it's going to hurt like a bitch. I don't think I can protect myself from that hurt, but I try by trying not to dream or dance or get excited. We keep it a secret so that if it doesn't work I don't have to repeat it when I'm hurting, and I don't have to deal with the "helpful" advice. If they don't know what I'm going through, then I don't want them to know what I'm going through.

My Mom knows that we've been trying and I know she's dying to know details. I can't tell her. She told me about two weeks ago that I could be pregnant. I told her I wasn't (negative tests, period, baseline ultrasound), and she tried to argue with me telling me that I could be and just not know it. No. I'm not. And I know it. I told her that if I was, I'd tell her, so no news is bad news. I don't talk about it because I don't want to talk about it. This is partially true. I do want to talk about it, but in confidence and with someone who knows what I'm talking about. My mother had 6 children, 3 of them while on various forms of birth control. She also tells everyone everything so nothing is ever held in confidence. Nothing. I remember when I was abused as a kid by my stepfather. I had reported it and did my part by testifying to put him away for felony child abuse. I was just a kid. My mother told everyone what he did to me. I tried telling her that it happened to me and it was not her news to tell, but she told everyone under the sun anyways, claiming she needed to as part of her own personal therapy (in other words, it's all about priorities and my own emotional health came second after hers). She even told a boy I dated in high school, so I broke up with him immediately. If I wanted him to know, I would have said something to him. She still doesn't get it and still tells everyone what happened to me. I don't want to be the abused girl, I want to be me. And now, I don't want to be the infertile woman, I want to be me. I don't want strangers knowing my very personal business (present company reading this excluded), so I don't tell it to them, and that means I don't tell my mother either. How many times have I met one of her friends only to have them give me the sad sorry eyes, sigh, and then want to give me a hug?

Sorry Mom, but you really can't be trusted. Remember when J was born? M was calling everyone to announce the birth. You were at the top of the list. Each call was in quick succession, only a few minutes, trading off between his family and my family. By the time he got to my brothers and sisters (again, 6 so it takes a while to call each), they already knew because you called them first. Next time I wonder where on the list your name will be.

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