Friday, July 30, 2004

I love you Gorilla

Dr. Chickie called me yesterday. I had written out all my questions ahead of time. The answers went along the lines that defragmentation does not have a proven benefit; I'm young; our fragmentation is probably related to our morphology issues; and that I should try to be positive until my beta on Monday. I did well questioning her, although not my cool self I did keep it together until the end when she came to the "be positive" part. That expression always has the opposite effect on me.

Yesterday I remained in an emotional funk all day. I watched this show about a gorilla who speaks sign language and had lost her baby. They got her a little orange kitten. She loved the kitten so dearly and would treat it like a baby gorilla, although the kitten didn't respond like a baby gorilla. When laying on her back holding the kitten, she would flatten her feet to make a platform so that the kitten would be happier. She would also play with the kitten with her blanket and try to feed her. The little orange kitten was at first bewildered, but then got very used to it and would play back. The trainer asked the gorilla in sign language what they should name the kitten. The trainer offered the name Red, but the gorilla signed no. The trainer offered the name Banana, and the gorilla liked that name. But then the gorilla signed that she was bad because she didn't know the kitten's name, and she loved that kitten. While I had tears the whole time during this children's show, that part just got me crying.

Today, I'm feeling a lot better. I got an email back from another main San Francisco fertility center from an MD who thinks that my PCOS may be related to egg quality and the bad eggs causing fragmentation. He wants to run a whole new battery of tests on me to try a different stim cycle to get better quality eggs in the early part, then use a co-culture with the embryos that they use only for couples with previous poor quality embryos. It's given me something new to think about. A nice doctor, new alternatives, what do you know.

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Blogger amanda said...

I hear you on the "be positive" part. That's a tough thing to do most of the time, at least for me. Many times when I get upset my husband says "relax." That has the opposite effect, too. I guess I just don't like being told to do something that I'm having an awfully hard time doing.

I'm glad you got a second opinion and some answers to your questions. I hope you won't need another go at this, but I guess it usually helps to have a back up plan.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm right there with you when everyone around me says 'be positive'. I always feel like the fat, ugly kid and when a relative asks about whether or not I'm pretty, the relative would put on an uncomfortable smile and say, "Oh, look at how pretty her eyes are." That's how I feel...they all know it ain't never going to happen, but they feel bad pointing it out to me.

I hope you find your answers soon.

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Blogger Mandy said...

Oh hell. You mean I might be going through all this crap to be able to spit eggies out, and I might find out their 'cracked' because I have PCOS? Crap. I refuse to believe it. I'm not believing any more bad news. I'm going on strike.

Oh wait. That means then I'll have to be Mrs. Happy f-ing sunshine. That ALWAYS gets me in trouble, and I don't have enough happy pills to make it through the rest of my two weeks waiting.

Damn.

Pazel, I hope this it for you. I'm praying, I'm hoping, and I'm wondering if I tell you to think negatively, the reverse psychology thing might work on you.

DON'T EAT CHOCOLATE!!! (did it work?)

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Blogger Jen P said...

Lots of luck with the new doc Pazel, but hoping there's no need. No be positive sentiments here. That's caused me to hurl abuse at medical staff before, so I'll refrain. But I do sincerely hope it does work for you guys.

I too face poor quality with pcos and I wish you so much more empathy and quality of care with the new doc.

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