Thursday, July 01, 2004

Kinder, more gentler Pazel

Today I'm not so angry. I think the Lupron has washed out all the extra testosterone in my system from the PCOS, mellowing me out. I read in the detailed warnings that if a man takes Lupron for 2 weeks his testosterone will decrease to castrate levels.

Last night after dinner at Valerie's, we were laying on the couches watching The Last Samurai. During the long, pretty depressing movie, Valerie laid little A (6 weeks) in my arms for about an hour. She slept and I stopped watching the movie. I played with her fingers, touched her hair, and just listened to the tiny baby noises she makes as she sleeps. She continually makes these little baby coo noises with every breath, happy noises kind of like a cat purring but a lot more high pitched. When she's awake, you can't help but notice her Down's syndrome from her eyes and open mouth. The features become so very obvious that you can't help but notice. But, when she's sleeping in my arms, she looks and feels like any other baby and it's easier to just notice her features from Valerie and her husband instead of the Downs. Holding her is so peaceful and calming, as long as I keep my tears in and keep my mind off my own selfish needs and desires.

Today I'm suffering from rug burns on my knees from chasing Valerie's toddler earlier last night while crawling on her berber carpet. Every time I'd stop he'd give me the sign for more. (He's not deaf, just learning signs.) I couldn't turn him down. For the past 1 1/2 years he's been suspicious of me, and not wanting to play with me. This time he couldn't get enough of me. I wonder if it's because of his age, or maybe since everyone's been giving the baby attention, or perhaps he likes me because of my association with Janie (she's fabulous, so as her mother I must be okay).

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