Saturday, July 24, 2004

Moderately Fragmented

Today I returned to the land of the vertical and actually ventured out. This morning was Janie's swim lesson. She is getting so confidant, she was actually dunking herself when the teacher wasn't looking just to prove it to herself that she wasn't afraid. How can my heart not jump out of its chest in pride? That's my girl.

I did some disturbing googling on fragmented embryos. The cause could be from damage done to the egg by the ICSI procedure. It could also be chromosonal or from bad lab conditions. Mostly, it is unexplained or correlated to age. Light fragmentation is no problem. Extreme fragmentation means they won't transfer the embryo. Moderate means lower chance of implantation, and that's what it looks like I've got. One site said that the rate of implantation could be as low as 5%. Hmmm, I don't like that statistic. Seems too even a number. How come not 7% or 3%? Besides, other things I read say that the number of cells is more important or that it isn't sure how much fragmentation is important when it isn't extreme. For the ones we transferred, I don't think it was extreme. Sure, some of the others were, but they are now in some biological trash bag somewhere on the Peninsula.

I don't know how the 5 cells are doing that we left to culture. If they made it to good blastocysts then we could freeze them. The odds are small, but I wonder. The lab didn't call, and I didn't call them either. As long as I don't then there's always a chance.

Most times I'm between excited that I have three embryos inside me and scared that I'm doing something wrong that will cause them not to implant. I've gotten past my initial great despair about the quality and loss of all those embryos and have moved on, maybe to denial because I know it's not acceptance. Part of me is a little angry too. I've read about defragmentation and wonder why that wasn't done, or offered or even brought up as to why it shouldn't be done. I've also read that assisted hatching is often used with fragmented embryos to give them a better chance of implanting. This information would have been a lot more useful before the transfer. Now I've just got questions as to whether there were things we could have done. That's the point isn't it? To do all that I can, to exhaust all efforts, to know that it was our best try. How can I accept and go on if I don't think all was done that could have been done?

I will instead try to push these thoughts to the back of the file. IF this doesn't work, (see, I'm trying to be positive by saying IF instead of WHEN), then I can go through all this with Dr. Chickie. All this and more.

I dwell on all of this here so that I don't throughout my days. Today I splurged on all new bedding for Janie's room. Ladybugs, butterflies, and flowers in a mix of bright colors. She was so excited. How could that not make me happy too?


Blogger TigerJen said...

I'm crossing everything for you and saying a prayer! The bedspread you picked out for your daughter sounds beautiful! I love ladybugs and butterflies. (And ladybugs are a symbol for good luck!)

10:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good luck and sending you lots of sticky thoughts.


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