Monday, July 12, 2004

Should Be Happy. I'm a 10.

10. 5 on each side, about the same size. I suppose I should be happy. Dr. Power Chickie was happy. 10 was her goal. My goal was higher. This is a numbers thing. I want more to have some leftover to freeze just in case. More importantly, I've had 10 follicles before and in the end I had only 2. The other 8 stopped growing. So now I'm on a ton more drugs, but got the same amount to start as before. How can I be excited about this? At the same time, I was also presented with my big bill for this fun cycle, to remind me how much I'm paying for this ride.

I should be satisfied I suppose. Some women would like to have 10 (of course they also probably finish what they start). But for me, when she told me, mentally I started thrashing the room, throwing the ultrasound machine aside, throwing the boxes of gloves at the walls, upending the chairs, screaming the whole time "I. Told. You. You Wouldn't Listen! I Told You It Wasn't Enough!" But, alas, I am not Hulk woman, so I nodded my head and told her only that it was not as much as I wanted. She said we could increase another 50 IU. Frankly, I don't think that's enough to get anything that could catch up. No. We spent our wad, we listened, we did as we were told, and we got what I figured we would. Not enough.

Yes, I should be happy but I'm not. I'm pissed, I'm sad, and I'm worried. I'm not grateful. I'm paying too much (money, time, opening my insides for all to poke at and comment on) for it to be not enough. In case you were wondering, my Bitter Bitch is typing today and refuses to hear any sort of encouragement or reason. There is none. I knew this would happen, I warned them and begged for more, yet I didn't do enough to stop it. I could have increased the dose those two days, but I listened to Dr. Chickie. Young, inexperienced, cold Dr. Chickie. I hope she's happy today, because I'm surely not. (Of course I also know that she probably does not think of me outside of the time when she's in the room with me. That's why she keeps forgetting my medical history, namely that I have a child already.)

On other notes, the receptionista had me review my account information to make sure it is correct. (I've been their patient since January, but okay.) It said that I am Unemployed. What? I've been at this job since 1997, full-time, non-stop. I know my other RE at their practice Dr. Been There even asked about my working for a hospital. Of all the spice girls, I'm Working Spice. Unemployed? It was like a final slap in the face.

Watch out everyone. Bitter Bitch coming through.


Blogger TK said...

ah, my Bitter Bitch was out last week. perhaps she can get together with yours and go bitch-slap your Dr. the fear is always there that we won't have enough left to freeze either.

4:37 PM  
Blogger amanda said...

I just found your blog today and have enjoyed reading it. Good luck on your cycle.

6:07 PM  
Blogger patricia said...

Ahh, I am well acquainted with the bitter bitch aspect of my own personality. There's nothing that drives me more crazy than being right but not being able to go back and change it. We really do know our bodies, but noone ever believes us.

Nonetheless, best of luck with everything.

9:15 PM  
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