Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Symptomless in San Francisco

Hope, a fickle mistress, has abandoned me yet again.

I keep thinking about those 5 celled embryos.  If they couldn't make it to day 5, then why do I think the ones transferred would be still alive?  I've been reading too many message boards lately.  I hear about women who have 3 perfect 8 celled embryos transferred and still end up negative.  I think of my highly fragmented embryos and wonder how they could have a chance.  They don't nearly compare.  I also think of those women who have perfect embryos who do get pregnant.  I wish I still had that hope, that chance.

It's a constant battle between hope and reality, and reality is winning.  I'm going to follow every instruction, take every precaution, and still be negative.  The problem is that because of these fragmented embryos, I've lost hope that I could get a better result in the future.  I could go through all this again, and still have fragmented embryos at the end.  Knowing it leads there, with a dismal chance of success, I'm left alone and confused.

Over the weekend, I had symptoms.  My left breast was really sore.  My nipples were very very senstive.  My face was flush.  Now nothing.  The symptoms were the last things keeping me in the life boat.  Now I'm outside in the very cold ocean, holding onto the rope, unable to climb back in, just waiting for my grip to tire.  What will I do when they give me the news?  Just let go and finally sink into the cold dark ocean.

A month from now I'll be back in school.  My beloved Berkeley.  Everyone will exchange stories on how they spent their summer.  I should be in South Africa right now with my classmates, learning about industry there and tasting their wine.  Instead, I gave up that probably once in a lifetime chance so that I could cycle in the summer without my school stresses.  Now I look forward to being back at school.  Something to feed my mind.  New information and people to meet.  No one sticking me with needles or telling me I'm lucky when relaying that my embryos died.  I'll be jealous as hell at all their worldly travels, but as long as no one is pregnant, no one will get hurt.

When I describe my summer, I will lie and say that I was very busy in a new project at work.  It's not exactly a total lie, I am busy at work in that big project.  I just haven't been as devoted as I should be, as I usually am.  My heart isn't in it.  I'm tired.  I'm unfocused.  I'm eating too much and sleeping too little.  I've forgotten who I am.

Actually, what never changes is my inner core.  I do know who I am.  I know that I am Janie's mother and Matt's wife, and one hell of an analyst.  I'm a closet comedian, a frustrated photographer, and fiction eater.  I just keep tripping into these sinkholes of depression, while trying to pretend everything is fine.  I've got to pick myself up and keep going.  It's not over yet.  I may have given up hope, and I may not believe in miracles, but I cannot afford to feel sorry for myself.

I wish tonight I could eat some fresh chocolates, take a hot bubble bath, light a few candles, and lose myself in a good book.  Instead, I will probably stay up late working.  Getting things ready for my many meetings tomorrow.  What gall of these people to think I should keep working when I'm in absolutely no condition to concentrate.  Don't they know who I am?  I'm Pazel dammit and I'm not done yet.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. So, so sorry that you're going through this. This is one of the reasons why I keep delaying my IVF. The truth is, I'm petrified; not of the procedures, but being the one who fails. I'm afraid it will be like with my acupncturist all over again -- I was the only one who *lost*. I have nothing to offer other than I'm here and I wished I lived closer because the one thing I can do right is make the best chocolate chip cookies you've ever had (my own recipe). I'm thinking of you.


6:04 PM  
Blogger Pazel said...

I would love some homemade chocolate chip cookies. There is nothing like when they are warm out of the oven. They are especially good when shared. Thank you.

6:55 PM  
Blogger Jen P said...

If you'd like, I can send you some of New Zealand's best white wine, which is much, much better than anything out of South Africa, well, except Tertia, perhaps. ;)

And I hope the bath, the candles, the cookies and the book come into play at sometime. And I wish that something wonderful finds it's way into your life.

9:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The entire fragmented, good cell, grade stuff seemes to be such a mystery. I wonder if our RE's have a secret society that has all the answers, but they don't tell us so we needy, needy, needy them. In my IF support group, women get pg. with crappy fertilization reports, and some women don't with eggs that should be on display at the Louve. So, all I can say, is you never know. Which sucks, right?


8:53 AM  
Blogger Barren Mare said...

You're pretty damn amazing, that's what you are. If it's too hard to hope, then let us do it for you. We're really good at it. I'm starting now.

2:35 PM  

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