Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Want Stronger

I just got back from my ultrasound. I had a long talk with Dr. Chickie, and she's willing to up the dose of stims by 50 IU but doesn't think we should. She thinks the risk of overstim will be high. She looked me in the eye and said, "You're my patient. I want you to get pregnant and not get sick." I hope she's not just being conservative on the dose to cover her ass. I told her that a goal of 10 follicles is low if only 7 will fertilize, and 4 will be of good quality, then we'd have enough for this cycle but not enough for freezing. I want a plan B. I want to know that if it doesn't work, we can defrost and try again. There's not going to be another cache of money for another fresh cycle. But as she is young, younger than me, I am sure she's never been through this, and I am also sure that she doesn't fully grasp what I'm talking about. Oh sure, she speaks English and can understand the words, but not the full meaning. There's no way she can get it without having gone through it.

Part of it just seems so hopeless. I can't imagine success. I guess I should be able to since we do have Janie, except that I think she was such a fluke, medically assisted fluke, but still very much against the odds. I can't imagine coming up winning again. I can't grasp it. Maybe it's the 38 failed cycles we've been trying (since I stopped breast feeding) or the 3 failed IUIs. For each one, I would start out blooming follicle buds, only to have them stop growing eventually, ultrasound by ultrasound, until there was only 1 or 2 left of the 10 we began with. As they would decrease, so would my hope. I knew that we needed many targets because of our severe male factor, but they wouldn't listen. They were concerned with multiples, when I told them that I needed many to just have one. Multiples is not my problem, getting pregnant is. I'm so afraid that I'll go through this and once again, it will start out fantastic, lots of follicles, and then I'll have to go through the attrition as they falter and eventually quit. In the end I'm left with nothing but an empty wallet and a new defeat. Each one makes me more doubtful of their claims that they can get me pregnant, that my case is easier in comparison. If it's so easy, then how come it hasn't worked? Aren't you the great Stanford? Isn't that supposed to mean greater success not more failures?

I was thinking about Gena Davis on my drive home. Yes, she's had twins at what, 46? Yep, I'm sure it was donor eggs, but she definitely hasn't come forward with anything about her need for assistance with fertility. No. Celebrities just don't. I can respect that, because I like to keep my stuff secret too while I'm going through it, but not after the fact. Anyways, I like Gena Davis. I think she's quirky, and interesting. I like her movies and that she learned archery to such a level that she was or almost was going to be on the Olympic team. There was one movie I liked where she was an action hero, maybe a spy? The enemy had her tied to a water wheel and was repeatedly rolling her into the water to nearly drown her in an attempt to soften her up and extract some information. Instead, she got stronger and stronger and eventually broke free. It was a great scene. I wanted to be her. I want to get stronger and stronger against every action of my enemy. Instead, I think I put all my strength into just trying to look normal. It gets harder and harder. I wish it wasn't an act. I wish I could just be stronger against whatever they throw at me, but alas I am no heroine, just another patient. I'm not fighting for my life, but sometimes I feel like I'm fighting for a normal one.

I just want one more. Please. This little girl has been the world of difference to me and she is my sunshine. I know that I'm asking for too much to have that lightning strike again, but I have to ask. If it's not going to happen, I need to know that so I can move on, but I can't do that until I try, really try. It's more important than money or my job or most anything except Janie, and she'd really like a sibling.

What a horrible hormonal wreck I am and I'm only on CD3. I don't start my stims until Thursday. In the meantime, it's just about continuing the Lupron and hoping that I'm doing enough. That the dose is enough. That I'm getting all I can from Dr. Chickie and her band of merry maidens. I hope this won't end in a crash and burn. I can't promise I'll be stronger then or what I'll be like. I can only deal with today, and I'm not doing that well.

Well, maybe I am.

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