Thursday, August 26, 2004

The Baby's Okay

I'm an emotional mess, but the baby is fine.

I spent most of yesterday and last night in the emergency room. OB triage told me to go there since I'm still so early. I had tried calling my old RE's office, but when they did return my call it was to tell me that since I didn't go through treatment with them, I should see my OB/GYN or whomever I received treatment from. That was really helpful advice considering both were a state away.

The emergency room is a horrible place, with hurt people, not-hurt-but-whining people, and general chaos. Nothing is done there without a huge wait. I had blood work, an IV, a catheter (awful), and finally the ultrasound. The catheter was because she first filled my bladder for abdominal, then emptied it for the vaginal. The ultrasound tech explained that she couldn't show me the screen, couldn't tell me anything, and couldn't give me any pictures. During the whole thing I was crying because I was so emotionally spent and because I was extremely sore. I've never had a more painful ultrasound. I had been cramping very hard for most of the day. At the end, the tech felt sorry for me and showed me the screen. There was Flicker, still flickering. I only saw for a second, but that's all I needed.

The doctor at the emergency room was so kind. He said his wife just paid the deposit for their IVF, and he was going tomorrow to give a sample to be frozen (because of his uncertain schedule). He really cared, and hugged me when he gave me the news that things looked okay. Although the u/s tech had already shown me the heartbeat, it didn't matter. I cried all over again. It was the end of a very emotional day.

Actually, crying was pretty much what I did all day yesterday. I was so frightened and hurting.

I flew back this morning, and it feels so good to be home. My house, close to my doctors, still pregnant. I just want to sleep all day, but I can't.

My diagnosis was a missed miscarriage. I don't know what an actual miscarriage is like. I've never had one. But having an almost one, is very scary. I imagine the difference between missed miscarriage and actual miscarriage is similar to the difference between infertility and pregnant after infertility. The baby is there or is not. There is hope flickering, or it is out of reach. But, the experience of almost, or of process, is still difficult and not something I will forget. I can't imagine how I will relax now, when I feel like I dodged a bullet but may not be so lucky next time.

To all of you, thank you thank you thank you for caring about me. I'm okay. I've got some cleaning up to do to get my emotional house back in order, but at least it wasn't the worst case scenario. I just can't imagine what's behind that door. Sorry for all the drama. Believe me, I would have rather skipped it myself.


24 Comments:

Blogger chris said...

I'm so glad you're okay. I kept checking your blog. I had lots of bleeding with my son and they couldn't tell me why. With my miscarriages, no bleeding, so who knows. The best advice I got from a doctor was that sometimes it just happens and it's normal for that pregnancy. Whatever that means. Anyway, I think your diagnosis was a "threatened miscarriage." A missed miscarriage is when you miscarry but there is no blood or cramping and you just keep thinking you're pregnant until an ultrasound tells you otherwise, which definitely is not the case with you as you have a lovely little heartbeat. A missed miscarriage is supposed to be fairly rare, although I've had three. I guess I'm just special. Good luck and I hope you have no more scares.

11:22 AM  
Blogger amanda said...

I'm so glad to hear that both you and the baby are ok.

11:23 AM  
Blogger Barren Mare said...

Oh, honey, sorry I am late in catching up with events. I am so glad Flicker is hanging in, but so scary. I'd certainly be needing to have a mini-breakdown after that. Take care, OK, and keep posting- we're all with you.

11:24 AM  
Blogger Wavery said...

Phhhhhhhhew!
Oh what a trying day for you. What a hassel and what fear. I am relieved you are okay and I'm glad you went in regardless of how ugly ERs can be.
I really hope you can take it easy and get your feet back under you.

11:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh thank god everything is okay but I'm sure that wasn't a pleasant experience for you!

Summerbreeze

12:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pazel - don't apologize for the drama, it was neither your fault nor something we would want you going through alone. I'm so sorry you were so far away from all things comforting, but glad that the doc who finally saw you was understanding and compassionate, and thrilled to know Flicker is ok.

12:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pazel - don't apologize for the drama, it was neither your fault nor something we would want you going through alone. I'm so sorry you were so far away from all things comforting, but glad that the doc who finally saw you was understanding and compassionate, and thrilled to know Flicker is ok.

Mandy - infertilityisfunny

12:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pazel - don't apologize for the drama, it was neither your fault nor something we would want you going through alone. I'm so sorry you were so far away from all things comforting, but glad that the doc who finally saw you was understanding and compassionate, and thrilled to know Flicker is ok.

Mandy - infertilityisfunny

12:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Drama? Girl, I was amazed ay your restraint!
So happy, so glad that everything is all right and that Flicker is still flickering away : )
So glad you are home and near your doctor (what bastards at your old clinic). So glad the emergency room doc got it (I hope he and his wife get their wish come true!).
But especially I am so glad that you are OK - emotional wreck, yes, but OK.
Thank goodness.

Menita
(lifesjestbook)

12:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pazel ..I am so relieved to hear things are on the up and up. Thank G-d...I will now release my crossed fingers a little..they were cramping up. Do not worry I will still keep them crossed. So glad to know things are better.

I see what you mean about an emotional mess to clean up....

-alexhere from the kitchens of the infetile gourmet

12:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pazel,

I've been constantly checking your blog to see if everything was o.k. I'm so glad that everything was fine and so relieved for you.

Emily
http://scrambledeggs.blogs.com/scrambled_eggs/

12:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Phew. I'm glad you're okay. Thanks for checking in.

~Brooklyn Girl

1:57 PM  
Blogger Dee said...

Hallelujah, Pazel! So glad to read that things are okay and that the ER doc was good to you.

I'm so happy for you through my own tears.

2:09 PM  
Blogger sherry said...

Thank GOD you're OK and the baby is OK. I've been stalking you for the last day to see how things were and was so relieved to read your last post.

4:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

YAY!!! I wanted to say yay earlier, but it wouldn't let me comment. So YAY!!!

Kris
Brokenornot

4:59 PM  
Blogger Dawn said...

Thank GOD everything is okay with the baby. I didn't comment earlier because I was at work when I read your last post and barely had time to read it let alone comment, but I have been holding my breath for you ever since. Exhaling now....

7:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Chris is correct-- it was threatened, not missed. You don't want the former, but you most definately don't want the latter, for sure. Glad everything is okay. Whew!

Marla
themiddleway

8:45 PM  
Blogger Meh said...

Gee, how scary!!! This is hard isn't it, so very hard. so pleased the baby is ok, what a scary thing for you to go through, and so far from home. never go away again!!

10:06 PM  
Blogger Janet said...

so very, very relieved to hear that everything is ok. What hell you went through, I hopet that is the last of the great scares.
Take care!

12:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Am really glad you are okay, Pazel. Got everything crossed over here that things are undramatic for the next eight-nine months or so!

Karen/Naked Ovary

6:38 AM  
Blogger Julie said...

Pazel! Of course you kept crying! Just because the crisis seems to be over doesn't mean the shock and fear vanish.

I'm so sorry you had to face that, and so relieved you saw a flickering Flicker.

6:40 AM  
Blogger Jen P said...

Pazel I am so relieved! I checked back so many times yesterday! I am so glad you and Flicker are ok. And at home. And near your doctors. Gah. I was so scared for you and so very worried. Keep on flicking little Flicker and keep growing and keep mama safe! So glad you're home Pazel!

6:34 PM  
Blogger Soper said...

Here's a late hug and a soooo glad everything is O.K.!

2:09 PM  
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2:11 AM  

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