Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Guilt

I read all your comments and they make me smile. I feel so guilty posting a positive because I am so new to blogland. Once upon a time, when I was ttc Janie, I used to post on a ttc (trying to conceive) message board. I'd watch women join, get pregnant in just a few cycles, then graduate while I still hung out. I was later described as a dinosaur because I'd been on this ttc message board for years. It got to be that I couldn't post anymore because I couldn't handle watching others get quickly what I had been waiting years for.

Now, here I am, starting this blog, then a month or two later getting pregnant. I didn't start writing this at the beginning of my journey, or it would have been three years this last May. That's when I stopped breastfeeding and started trying again. It didn't go through my 3 failed IUIs. I started writing because IVF scared the heck out of me. A ramp up in technology, a last try, a huge gamble in time and money and emotions. And I didn't have anyone to talk to about it all. Matt can only take so much, and my best friend Valerie has been dealing with her newborn with Down's.

What I have found has been tremendous support. I really didn't expect it. I thought my blog would be lost in the world, with no readers but at least my thoughts would be expressed. I am so grateful, and now feeling guilty as well. How can I get pregnant again when there are so many more deserving than I, who can't? It doesn't seem fair. I feel like a fraud. Really, I am infertile, I swear. If only you could see my husband's SA results, or a picture of my cyst riddled ovaries, or fragmented embryos, you would agree.

The question is how I could feel guilty for women I've never met? Because after reading your blogs, I feel that I do know you. And I've told you things I never tell anyone, so you do know me. There is a common bond of hurt and frustration and anger and undying hope. How could I not care about your feelings?

Right now I feel like I'm living between two worlds. I don't yet have my second beta (not until tomorrow), so I have no idea how it's going. Without symptoms, I don't feel pregnant. On the other hand, for once in a long time, I'm not trying to get pregnant. Strange. Very strange.

But unlike those girls who would appear on the message board, get pregnant, then graduate and hopefully go away, I will not be going away. I am far from safe or assured. I need you still, as much as you can bear me. I have so many more hurdles to overcome before I can sleep peacefully. How could I obsess over this without you?

Tomorrow morning, I will have my second beta. I should be on an airplane to Arizona when the results are in. I will probably not be able to share them with you until Thursday. I wanted to let you know so that you wouldn't be wondering where I ran off to once it got exciting. I wouldn't want to leave you hanging. You've been there for me when I needed you most. Thank you.

10 Comments:

Blogger amanda said...

Oh, Pazel. Please don't feel guilty. You, like all the rest of us infertile bloggers, deserve to be pregnant. It doesn't matter how long you've actually been writing about it.

I feel the same way about my blog and the blogworld. It's amazing how much the support helps. I find it especially helpful since I have no infertile people in the "real world" to relate to.

I'm glad you're not going anywhere, and I'm not either. Good luck on your second beta tomorrow. I'll be sitting on pins and needles waiting until Thursday to hear the results. How dare you go on a trip? :)

11:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pazel...of course I am as jealous as a green pea ;) But thank god that we can see light at the end of the tunnel for some of us...A reminder that it can work and does. We all need that. Desperately. I will of course not stop reading just because you have crossed over...no way. Your survivor's guilt ,as Cecily over at wasted birth control said, will make you feel guilty but do not...

It is your turn for a short stay in infertility blogging land...do not worry you can still post as a woman with child....or worry which ever seems most present for the day :)

I am so excited for you and your journey...congrats again.

alexhere from the kitchens of the infertile gourmet

12:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry for the anonymous post. I keep meaning to set up a blogger ID but haven't yet. Anyway, Julia here (Julia S, Hippogriffs et al) to wish you a very hearty congratulations on the OUTSTANDING beta and my very best wishes for an equally pleasing second.

1:05 PM  
Blogger Jen P said...

Pazel, I too am jealous, but in that good way. It makes me feel that maybe someone out there is geting pregnant and that makes the world a bit less of a crappy place.

I'm hoping to see that number go sky-high and you get really, really awful morning sickness ;) Ok, kidding with the last part, but still...go little embie go!! Divide! Multiply! And stick, stick, stick!!

6:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pazel, I'm just anxious to join you :) Never, ever feel guilty. Your words touch many of us, your support appreciated (I look forward to seeing your comments to some of my ramblings).

I'm crossing my fingers for you for a beta so high, the doctors are stunned :) And I, for one, am looking forward to hearing all about your pregnancy.

9:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

First of all, I want to say that I am very, very happy for you. Thrilled. I can't wait until Thursday and hoping for the best of news.

It is sometimes hard not to slip into self pity and envy, but it doesn't mean we all aren't happy for you. We get it that you've been through hell. You understand us. We really want all good things for you, because that would show us that it can happen.

Good luck, good luck, good luck.

patricia
http://laf.typepad.com/

9:35 PM  
Blogger Katie said...

I just started reading your blog and I'm thrilled for you! When another infertile gets lucky, I feel more hopeful and that's what I need right now. May this pregnancy go smoothly for you!

12:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You SHOULD feel guilty, you super beta freak, you.

Just kidding - it is THRILLING to see that it is possible to make it to the other side : )

Hope everything continues to go very, very well, and please keep us all posted. Stories like yours give the rest of us such hope!

Menita
lifesjestbook.typepad.com

11:40 AM  
Blogger Anotherjen said...

it's different when someone who actually knows the meaning of "trying to get pregnant" gets pregnant. I hated those girls on the boards too and i know exactly what you mean. When i first set up my blog, I was afraid that i would get pregnant right away and be one of those girls, but your blog is your place, and infertile pregnant people still have interesting things to say. I'm not going anywhere!

11:42 AM  
Blogger Mandy said...

PAZEL! How fabulous! I'm so excited for you. I felt guilty, blogging about being pregnant too. So many people told me though, not to....this is what we're all hoping for and those that care about you are going to celebrate with you.

I'm just over the moon.

11:52 AM  

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