Friday, September 03, 2004

My Joy

I don't know if there's anyone who hasn't been reading about what an anonymous person posted to another woman's blog right after her miscarriage. Basically she said that because she already had a child, she had no right to mourn the loss of another. I could go on about this, but I won't. Enough has been said. Yep, the woman who posted it is an insensitive moron.

One thing she also insinuated was that somehow Julia was neglecting her first child by mourning or trying for a second. There was one comment posted somewhere that someone had witnessed other blogs where she felt this happened, but not at Julia's. It kind of stuck with me.

In my blog, I write about mostly infertility and IVF and now pregnancy after infertility. There are also posts on other thoughts or concerns I have. I don't write much about Janie, except in the last two days, because I talk about her all the time in real life. Also, there are many women who do not have a child yet who do not need to hear all the cute things she does. There are more appropriate places to gush. By not writing about her, would someone get the impression that she is neglected or unloved?

Truth is, I can't think of a child who is loved more. She came to us after years of trying to get pregnant, on our 3rd IUI which they told us would not work, when we could not afford to go any further with ART. We were so excited and so happy about having her that we gave her the middle name of Joy. She is my sunshine and the best thing I've ever done. It's hard for me to imagine an infertile woman finally having a child and not loving them beyond all measures. That's what we do. We recognize the extent of this gift, that it may not happen again, and how different it is to have one than not. It makes me wish I could give every infertile woman a child just like her.

But is an infertility blog the right place to talk about all that she does or all that we do together? Need I chronicle our outings, our daily book readings or colorings, our trips to paint pottery or how I got an award at her school for volunteering? I assumed that even if I didn't talk about her at all, the assumption would be that she is the only child of an infertile couple. Therefore she must be loved and adored and cherished. She is far from neglected.

Of course they were probably not talking about me. But I can't help but wonder. Hopefully they are the minority. For their sake let me say this plainly. Just because I don't post on and on about Janie's activities doesn't mean I don't love her or cherish her. I also don't post much about Matt, but believe me when I say that he's the only man for me. He's not perfect, but he's perfect for me.


As for Janie's school, she reminded me this morning that it was time to go to her new school. She picked out her clothes and quickly dressed herself. Maybe I wouldn't have picked the pink belt to go with the red shirt and khaki shorts, but she loves that belt so why not. At the playground, she did not cling or look nervous in any way. Actually, she was giddy and excited. She started climbing on the equipment right away. This is not her usual style. She is generally so shy, I'm just shocked.

I didn't ask her anymore about what happened at the old school. I don't want to stress her out. Valerie suggested that sometime I take some toys and role play with her. Valerie also said that as she watched Janie for the two days last week, she noticed that Janie seemed very sensitive to reprimands. Janie has never been spanked or hit in any way, and we also don't yell. If necessary, she will get a time out, but lately those have been only every few months. She really is a well behaved child.

For some reason, I don't think that any adult at that school was physically hurting her. I wonder if they were inappropriately stern or mean in their words. It wouldn't even have to be directed at her to effect her. She must have felt powerless because they were adults.

Janie and I have some games we play. I tell her that I'm a child about to pull her hair, and start reaching. Her role is to say no. I encourage her to yell it loudly, making it fun to see how loud she can get. Then she plays like she's a child who is going to hit me. I yell NO! NO HITTING! and tell her that I'm going to tell the teacher. We do this with many different scenarios. Because she's so shy and quiet, I worry about bullies.

A few months ago, she was bit at school. When I picked her up, another child told me that Janie was playing in the playhouse and another boy wanted her out. She refused to leave so he bit her. I was glad she stood her ground. We incorporated this into our role playing. (When I met the mother of that child, she had also found out that her son had bit my daughter. She gave him candy and told him that they were going to have a talk that evening. I was outraged. The director was next to me and snatched the candy from his hands telling him that he didn't get candy because he bit someone. The mother was at first shocked, ready to pounce, then quickly changed her mind and echoed the director although softly and sweetly. Since I felt this child would bite again, I had the director move him to a different class. It was plain to me that the biting was not the child's fault, but parents are harder to change.)

In our role playing, the common themes are that the bad one is another child and she should tell her teacher. Now, if the teacher was being mean, what should she do? We hadn't discussed it. We had role played about her privates and how they are hers alone, and no one should try to touch them. As to this supposedly mean teacher, sadly she didn't do anything. As much as I feel that we have a wonderful relationship, she must have felt inhibited since the teacher was in a position of authority. Taking her out of school for this break must have been very liberating for her. And she must have hated it enough for her to tell me that she wanted to go to a new school. I'm glad that I listened to her, but I wish I knew earlier. It shows me that I still have a lot of work to do in getting her to feel confidant and that she can tell me anything. Anything.

Now that swim class is over I've been searching for her next out of school activity. I was suggesting dance because she loves to dress up and dance around the house in her tap shoes. Matt wants gymnastics or something else more 'sporty' because he wants her to be a strong girl, not delicate. Now I wonder, martial arts? I have to see if there is a self defense or confidence class she could take. I think that's an excellent suggestion. Of course she could still do that and dance. Who says dancers aren't tough?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't imagine someone who loves their child more than you do. The anonymous poster's comment was inappropriate and incorrect. It doesn't matter how many children you have, a miscarriage hurts, it is a loss, period.

I only wish to share your joy someday. I'm glad that you're pregnancy is going along nicely and stress free (as much as possible).


11:04 AM  
Blogger amanda said...

Dancers are tough. They're strong, too. Can you tell I used to dance? I studied ballet for 18 years, and I loved it. Dancers are graceful, but I wouldn't say they are delicate. I also think that building self confidence is also a part of growing as a dancer.

No matter how much or little you write about your daughter, I can tell that you love her so much. Good luck with finding a new activity for Janie.

11:15 AM  
Blogger amanda said...

Oh, and ask your husband if he thinks that dancing on pointe while your toes bleed is tough enough?

11:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Pazel,
This doesn't really answer your question, but...I just wanted to say that I loved reading your Janie stories. And that I agree, the absolute love you feel for that little girl comes through loud and clear.
I'm glad she seems to be happier at the new school.

4:56 PM  
Blogger sherry said...

Dancers are damn tough!! Although, martial arts wouldn't be so bad for her confidence, either!!

As an infertile with no children, I have no problem with reading about your Janie stories. She sounds like a great kid with a couple of parents who adore her!!

5:38 AM  
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