Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Roses for all Divas

Last night my negotiations class went well. Half the class played the business manager for an opera company, and half the agent for an opera singer, then we paired off and negotiated. I was the opera singer's agent. At the end all the negotiated agreements were revealed. I was the only one who had negotiated not only salary for my diva, but extra publicity and a blanket of roses to be given to her on stage opening night. Everyone laughed at first, but the professor really liked it. Someone even asked why the singer didn't just get a slightly higher salary (although the one I got for her was competitive) and buy her own roses. Are you kidding? Flowers received as a gift are much better than ones you buy yourself!

What is funny is that at school I'm known for being creative. That's not a term usually used with CPA's in general. I think it's just the pool I'm in, surrounded by prospective MBA's most with tech backgrounds, that I appear colorful and interesting. In real life, I'm very vanilla.

Tomorrow is Janie's school picture day (yes, even in preschool!). This means that today I've got to get out and buy her a new dress and probably something for her hair. Tomorrow I will get her up earlier so that she can shower in the morning and I can play with her hair. Her hair is naturally curly and blond, unlike my brown wavy hair or Matt's black curly hair. Old women love to come up and touch her hair when she's in public. I call them her fans. Anyways, I'll want her to look extra cute tomorrow so I can give pictures out to everyone.

This morning I was making her lunch and wondering about my mother. When I make Janie's lunch, I try to make it different from the day before. I buy special little napkins to put in it, although I don't think she notices. This morning I cut up fresh watermelon and put it into a container for her fruit. I wonder why my mother didn't make our lunches. We didn't have any money, so she didn't have so much at her disposal. I was 2nd oldest of 6 kids, so maybe all her concentration had to be on the littler ones. It gives me satisfaction knowing that Janie will have a good lunch and won't be hungry. I like to think that she knows that I'm thinking about her when she opens it. I do it because I love her and take making her lunch as an opportunity to tell her. Is it because my mother never made my lunch, not even for 1st grade that I put so much emphasis into her lunch? It is just a lunch.

I wonder if the 2nd child will get as much as Janie has gotten. Do you spoil the 2nd as much as the first? Janie has been adored because I had assumed she could be our only child. We wanted her for so long before we got her and then couldn't seem to make another. With the 2nd, I've heard that you're more comfortable but also not as vigilant.

I can't imagine not spoiling this child too. This one will not only be our 2nd, but our last. Our baby. This won't make Janie not our baby, no she'll always be my baby. I wonder how you love the 2nd as much as the first. My love for Janie is so overwhelming and all encompassing.

I have a recurring nightmare. WARNING - Sad real story to follow. My nightmares are based on a news story that happened here in the bay area a few weeks ago. An unlicensed driver crashed her van on a bridge. Two kids who weren't in seat belts were thrown from the van into the Bay. The father jumped in along with some bystanders. The father saved the 3 year old, but not the 4 year old. The bystanders saw him with the 3 year old and assumed that was the only child in the water. The 4 year old drowned.

In my nightmare, I have two little kids who fall into the bay and I jump in but I can't save both. When I get in and save one (who feels like a 100 lb weight in the water), the other is sinking to the bottom of the bay. It's horrible and I wake up in a panic.

I reassure myself that I always use car seats and seat belts. I also tell myself that I will continue teaching Janie to swim and that she will be 4 1/2 years older than this baby so I won't have two little ones at the same time.

I understand that these nightmares are over my concerns for whether I can parent two children as well as one. What if I have to choose? How do you keep things fair? How do you give each child what they need when there is still only one mother and one father?

Sure, it will work out. Parents do it all the time. I would probably have more reassurance if my mother had done better with the 6 of us, but I know that is an extreme case.

In the meantime, I will go shopping for Janie's dress for pictures tomorrow. I guess if I had two kids I could buy two and get two ready for pictures in the morning. Things do work out and hopefully time does expand.


Blogger Soper said...

I am the second of three children (older sister, younger brother). Being the second child of the same sex was worse than just being the second child -- I HATED hand-me-downs, hated that I never got my own clothes and had to use broken toys. If this second p-nut is a girl, please, please promise me you will buy her a new dress for picture day, too. Don't think "she can just wear J's dress from her preschool picture, it still looks new." Because it's those little things, like mom packing you lunch, that we remember when we are old.
And I think it's normal to have anxiety dreams when you are pregnant.

12:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pazel - just as you are aware of the feelings of hunger and what you missed by not having a packed lunch, I'm sure being aware of the fact that you *could* treat one differently than the other will lead you to doing whatever you can to avoid that. There will be some ways you treat them differently, but that will because they are two different people.

Meanwhile, I agree with Soper....make sure the youngest (if a girl) gets her very own dress. Yes, some things can be handed down, but she should have some things of her own.

Also, speaking as the oldest in my family, remember that Janie can be of great help....just don't require her to be older than her age or 'in charge' all the time when she's older. She'll thank you for it.

You're a good mom pazel. And you'll be a good mom to two.
Mandy (infertilityisfunny)

12:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had to laugh at your thoughts on lunches -- I really do think the kids notice. My little brother once came home from school very disappointed that my mom hadn't put as much "love in his lunch" (his words) that day. Too cute. As adults we still use the term when we lunch with her.


11:36 AM  
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11:05 PM  

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