Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Bad Juju

I found the most beautiful crib for sale on Craig's list. The price is right. The style is beautiful. the color is perfect. I can't buy it. At least not until after Friday's ultrasound. And maybe longer after that. That would be bad juju.

This is not easy, not at all. I'm on shaky ground. What am I supposed to do? I don't feel pregnant. I look chubby, not particularly pregnant. I've gained weight, that's for sure. I've felt no kicks. Shouldn't I have felt something by now considering this is my second? Flicker has a great heartbeat, strong and steady. I have no reasons to fear anything bad will happen, but I do.

I heard a song on the radio that I remember listening to after one of the good but failed IUIs before I got pregnant with Jamie. I was thinking I was pregnant, had to be. The IUI had gone well, why wouldn't I be? I heard this song and turned up the radio so that the 'baby' could hear it. My imaginary embryo. I thought I'd play it for the baby throughout my pregnancy and tell him (just knew it was a boy) later when he was older how this song was my favorite when I was pregnant with him. Of course I wasn't pregnant, and the song kind of reminds me of how innocent and naive I was then. And it reminds me of how it was supposed to be easier but never was. Now I hear the song and it's ... 5? 5 years later and I'm pregnant with our second. I turned the channel. It was haunting and I felt like this song would somehow hurt this baby.

So I'm not buying the crib. I'm crazy. I'll miss that crib later and I'm certain I'll never find one nearly as well priced and perfect as this one. Isn't that how it always is?

Or maybe it will still be for sale this weekend, after the ultrasound, when I'm feeling more stable.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm here. I'm reading and sending you good thoughts for a great ultrasound. (and throwing in a few extra hopes that the great deal will still be available after the ultraosound.)


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