Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Updates and Love at First Sight

Abby update -
She's doing okay. She's off the ventilator but she's having a hard time coming off the morphine and other meds they used to sedate her for so many days. She couldn't sleep and was very sick from withdrawl. They ended up giving her some methadone to help the adjustment. Otherwise her heart is doing well. Valerie is still battling the hospital administration. After only sleeping for 4 hours for two nights in a row, she was tired of standing while feeding Abby. She sat in an office chair while she fed her, which is generally used by the nurse except now Abby doesn't have a nurse constantly in the room so it wasn't being used. Amazingly enough, it's against some ridiculous hospital rule for the parent to sit in the office chair. Nice, huh? Valerie did let the night nurse who made the mistake come back and be Abby's nurse again the next night. She knew he would take extra special care of her and I'm sure he did.

My update -
I have an amnio this Friday. It's a difficult thing. My mind is constantly arguing for and against it. On one side, I'll be 34 1/2 when I give birth, which is not the same as 35 but c'mon there's not that much of a difference. Since my own friend 4 years younger just had a Down's baby with heart defect after normal AFP test and normal ultrasound measurements, I have no faith in those tests nor in the odds. Her odds were much less than mine, and yet she's the one. Also, I'm still concerned about the bad quality of the embryos we transferred and whether that could mean anything bad. It's not supposed to, but you can't help but wonder. Finally, there's a family history of Hutchinson's disease which is genetic, and usually causes problems and early death in the 40's.

On the other side, I am only 34, not 35. I could take the AFP and ultrasound then decide to do an amnio only if the results are bad. Amnio can cause miscarriage and you know how serious any sort of additional risk is of that. Very scary. If I should miscarry because I had an amnio, I don't know what I'd do.

Yet, I want to know if there's something wrong. I'm not sure what if anything I'd do about it. I'll cross that bridge if I have to come to it. Watching a baby go through heart surgery is not easy. Raising a Down's syndrome child is not easy. With Abby, I feel like I'm already committed to one. But I don't want to be surprised in the recovery room like Valerie was. I would want to think about it, research it, talk about it, and so on. If I decided to continue the pregnancy, I would be prepared. I would also have the option of not continuing, and let's not go there right now.

Random memory -
I remember the first time I decided that I was ready to have babies. I had always loved babies, but I wasn't in love with the idea of raising children. I found many kids to be annoying. Anyways, I was auditing this hospital in Northern Arizona and it was snowing outside. Snow is so unusual for me growing up in California and then moving to Arizona that I get distracted by the snow falling outside my window. I was walking through the hospital to get some papers or meet someone or something I don't remember. In the surgical waiting room was a little boy, probably 8 years old. He looked a lot like my youngest brother when he was little and how I imagined my little boy would look like. He had brown hair and freckles. His face was flush and he appeared lethargic so I immediately thought that he had a fever. Yet, he wasn't a patient, but waiting for someone else who was having surgery and no one seemed to be paying attention to the fact that he seemed sick and needed love. I wondered if it was his mother who was having surgery for surely she would be caring for him if she wasn't sedated. As I was walking, our eyes met and he gave me such a tired, sad look, I just knew he was sick. I felt immediate concern and love for him and wanted to put my hand on his forehead and see if he was alright. But he was not my child. And I couldn't. Touching other people's children is forbidden, even out of love or concern. I must have gave him a look that said 'I'm sorry' and then he gave me this tired smile. Like he knew that I cared but I couldn't and he understood or maybe he was signalling to me that he was fine. Anyways, I smiled back, withheld all urges to put my hands in his hair, and kept walking. It was love at first sight. I'm sure he forgot about me in seconds, but I've never forgotten about him. I felt like I was seeing my future child and finding out how deeply I could love them. I knew then that I wanted to start having babies with my man at home. I had no more fears.

My friend's mother woud tell me that he was probably an angel which is why no one else was paying attention to him. Sent only for me. To prepare me, to calm my fears, to make me fall in love with him. That's why he stood out so much from any other child I'd ever seen. That's why I still remember him.

I think he was just a little boy and I could sense he needed love. I discovered my motherly instincts weren't reserved only for cute little babies.

Back to the mundane, but not so mundane. I'm contemplating buying tickets to the San Francisco Ballet for the Nutcracker. I think it would be very special to bring Janie. I'm probably going to spend way too much on them, but I want good seats so she can see. I'd like Matt to go too, but I'm not holding my breath on that one. I'll probably be buying just two and making it a special mother/daughter night. I'll buy her a special dress and shoes and all that stuff so we can be dolled up together. I never had such an outing with my mother or father, but the thought of doing it with her is making me smile uncontrollably.

Yep, never has there been a more spoiled child than the only child of an infertile couple. And oh what fun it is to spoil her.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lovely post.

And the mom/daughter outing sounds like great fun...with or without dad.

2:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Help me Dude, I'm lost.

I was searching for Elvis and somehow ended up in your blog, but you know I'm sure I saw Elvis in the supermarket yesterday.

No honest really, he was right there in front of me, next to the steaks singing "Love me Tender".

He said to me (his lip was only slightly curled) "Boy, you need to get yourself a shiny, new plasmatv to go with that blue suede sofa of yours.

But Elvis said I, In the Ghetto nobody has a plasma tv .

Dude I'm All Shook Up said Elvis. I think I'll have me another cheeseburger then I'm gonna go home and ask Michael Jackson to come round and watch that waaaay cool surfing scene in Apocalypse Now on my new plasma tv .

And then he just walked out of the supermarket singing. . .

"You give me love and consolation,
You give me strength to carry on "

Strange day or what? :-)

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