Thursday, November 18, 2004

I'm Huuge.

I'm very pregnant. I'm huuuge.

I probably shouldn't be this big yet, but that's the way I am. I don't do the little basketball pregnancy. I get the all over pregnancy, with the big face, b**bs, butt, feet, and tummy. Nothing is left the same. By the end, I'll be barely able to move.

With Jamie, I gained 38 lbs. She was 2 days late and weighed almost 9 lbs. I lost all but 5 lbs of the weight within 6 weeks. It's because it's not just fat but also tons of water. I soak it up and store it everywhere. I had a big baby and got very swollen, but I didn't have gestational diabetes or any other issues. I just get big.

Thing is, I'm feeling just plain fat. I miss my waist. Because I've got the allover bigness, people don't immediately know that I'm pregnant. Maybe they wonder, or at least I hope they wonder. But I think I just look big and not pregnant.

Last night I met with a group from school for this big negotiations project. No one asks me if I'm pregnant, and I feel enormous. So I started talking about how I was so tired because I can't sleep at night - because of my pregnant belly. Then they started asking me questions about when I'm due etc. I don't really like all those questions (because I always want to lie about my due date because of my size) but I felt like I had to explain my big belly.

Really, I'm not looking for attention, I just want to explain my size. How vain am I?

Then I get the comments on how they don't know how I do it with school, kid, work and pregnancy. The answer is that I don't. I think I suck at all of them right now. I get my homework done, but I'm behind on my readings. I get my daugter off to school on time, but it took me forever to find two matching clean socks for her to wear. I'm up-to-date on my work emails but my voicemail box is full. And I should be exercising but I'm just too tired and lazy.

Then there's my husband. I love Matt with all my heart. I love that he loves watching Janie on the nights I go to school. And I love how he calls on his way home from work to see if I want him to pick up dinner. Then I hate how he never wipes off a counter or vacuums.. And I hate how he never thinks to wash Janie's clothes or change her bed or pick up her toys.

The things I appreciate about him most are the things he doesn't even know impresses me. Like how he loves to go for a run, or take the dog and kid to the park. Or how he went to school and got a degree in electrical engineering so he could tell our future kids that he went to college,even though he hated every minute of it and his job doesn't require it. Or how he has loved me throughout my many moods and ranging sizes.

Then there's how much he has grown and changed since we married. Of course it has been 12 years, so it was bound to happen, but yet I was always told not to expect a man to change. Fact is, I didn't change him, he did it on his own.

First, he changed from thinking that children needed spankings otherwise they would be spoiled and unmanageable, to becoming the biggest fan of time-outs. Janie is 4 and has never been spanked.

Second, and also as important was his change in his position on IVF. It was back in 1998 that I was told that our test results were so poor that we needed IVF to get pregnant. After I explained this to Matt, he told me that he would never go through IVF. He felt that was too far and too much and more than he'd ever go through. It wasn't the super supportive moment I had hoped for. I could say that I was sad, which I was but only to a point because I didn't really believe the doctor. My friend, the psychologist, calls this Magical Thinking. When faced with facts so opposite everything we believed (that I could get pregnant easily), we don't believe them. So we started on 6 months of clomid and OPKs. No it wasn't going to work, but I thought at the time that it could. And because it didn't effect him too much and it was pretty low tech, Matt didn't mind.

Gradually, things ramped up. There were a lot more tests. There were different RE office visits. Eventually there was IUIs, one of which worked. Then after Janie, we went back to normal trying, then timed trying, then OPKs, then RE's office, more tests and more IUIs. Finally we reached IVF, just as I knew that we would. I wasn't surprised. I had had 6 years since I was first told that we would need it, and I'd heard it by various doctors and test results since then.

And as for Matt? He was all for it. Not a doubt in his mind. If this is what we needed to do, and if I was ready for it, then he was ready and willing.

So maybe it's life experiences that teach you that you can bear more than you thought. Or that things are not so black and white.

The years and all that we've endured together have only brought us closer. He's the only one who knows what I'm thinking when I don't say a word. When we meet people, he can tell if I really like them, if I'm being polite, or if they are gigantic jerks so I'm messing with them for sport. He supports me in my work and in my school. So maybe he has no clue what it takes to keep a house up, that's okay. It drives me crazy, but I'm not perfect either.

So I'm huge and not exactly glowing, and he tells me to lift my shirt because he wants to see my belly. And I don't want to do it because I'm embarrassed by my "protective layer of fat". But I do it because he smiles when I do, and puts his hand on my big tummy and tells me that I look beautiful. And as he holds his hand there, hoping to feel a kick or something (still hasn't), he smells my hair and kisses my cheek and makes me fall in love with him all over again.

What's a girl to do? I'm a sucker for a man who loves me when I'm huge.

And I am huge.

5 Comments:

Blogger Aitch said...

That was beautiful. If I was a man I would totally love on pregnant woemn. It takes so much out of us, we deserve to be loved on no matter how we feel or look. So no matter how big you think you must be, he obviously knows how to love you!

11:52 AM  
Blogger Dee said...

Sounds like you've got yourself one heck of a great guy there Paze. Gotta hand it to the good ones. But I bet you you look beautiful regardless of your size.

I'm hoping to get to the huge stage myself this go'round and also hoping that A can be half the (huge-lovin') man that Matt is. I mean, he's already got some of Matt's other traits--can't do a dish to save his life, or run a load of laundry (unless he runs out of underwear) and so on. But how I love him....

Yep, we are lucky gals.

10:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is such a beautiful post. So glad things are going well, Pazel : )
Menita
(lifesjestbook)

9:03 PM  
Blogger Scott said...

I skim a lot of blogs, and so far yours is in the Top 3 of my list of favorites. I'm going to dive in and try my hand at it, so wish me luck.

It'll be in a totally different area than yours (mine is about diabetes gestational) I know, it sounds strange, but it's like anything, once you learn more about it, it's pretty cool. It's mostly about diabetes gestational related articles and subjects.

8:54 PM  
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1:49 PM  

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