Wednesday, November 03, 2004

The Little Clothes

My mother is a train wreck, but I know she'll get better. Two of my sisters will be with her this weekend, then the service is the following weekend. She's also spending a lot of time with her friend's daughters who are also in the same kind of hell after this suicide. I'm a mean and horrible person, but I can't help but think that most times suicide is a selfish act because of how much it hurts the people left behind. I say most times and not all as for those times when the person is suffering from cancer or such and they don't want to die a long painful death, taking one's life is more understandable.

Tonight I'm flying to Arizona. My friend has all of her son's baby clothes she wants me to go through. That would be assuming that this baby will eventually be born and will need clothes. How very presumptuous. She asked how many of Janie's clothes I still have and I told her only one outfit. I just saved one of her baby pajamas, but that's it. She was shocked. How could I have not saved more?

Hmmm... how to explain this. I hated when Janie would grow out of her baby clothes. It was always sad to take out the small outfits that didn't fit her anymore. It was not a happy time because I felt like I would never have another. She was my only baby and she was growing up. I couldn't keep baby clothes around because that would presume I would have another. I didn't want to reminisce over her baby clothes because while there are happy moments, there are sad ones too thinking about how I wanted another. Instead, I loved giving the clothes to my friend and sister-in-law who both had babies (2 each) after mine had grown older. It made me want to reach out instead of retreating. I would see a picture of them in one of her outfits and it would make me smile.

All I kept was the little cherry pajamas. They look like longjohns, even with the butt part that buttons up in the back. White with little cherries. The pictures of Janie in it make her look like hugo baby because of her many rolls, buddah belly, and several chins. Yet, when you hold the little jammies, you see how little she really was. I love to hold those jammies. I don't know if they would be as important had I saved many outfits. Maybe. The others just didn't have as much meaning to me as this one.

So in terms of baby stuff, I have almost nothing. 4 1/2 years later, I have the baby jogger, playpen, breast pump, baby bathtub, and some handmade quilts. No crib, no stroller, no johnny-jumpup, no sling, no diaper bag, and no clothes. It will be expensive to restock, but it's a new beginning and this baby will know that he's special.

He? It is still hard to believe.

P.S. I need good boy names. I've never even thought about them.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah but a great excuse for someone to throw you another baby shower.

You're right though..the kid will know he is special, he'll have his own stuff. And of course I understand why you weren't just assuming there would be another. None of us can, its just that some don't realize it...and those that do, well...we know too much.

I'm happy for you and your growing belly.
Oh, and I think you're right...the cherry pj's might have gotten lost in the shuffle had you kept a sea of other clothes.


2:15 PM  
Blogger Soper said...

ooo! Otho! Otho Pazel!

Just kidding.

Well, there are your standard "Michael" and "John" and "George," old fashioned goodies that have staying power. Then there are your redneck standards, "Cody" and "Jordan" and "Dylan," which will assure your child will grow a mullet and, potentially, end up dating a woman with the same first name. You can do last names for first names, the more ostentatious the better -- we like "Graham Livingston (insert our last name here)" for a country club name, or you can do an alliterative combo -- "Porter Pazel" or my least favorite, rhyming your son's name with his sister's.

Boy, names ARE hard.

3:05 PM  
Blogger Moxie said...

What kind of names do you like? Popular? Not popular? Ethnic? 'Cause otherwise I'll suggest Rex.

3:12 PM  
Blogger Valerie said...

I have always been fond of the Tyler, Taylor, Travis, Trevor type names. T's I guess. I also like Colton or Conner. Liam is cute. Joseph is a good classic too, Joseph and Janie sound cute together. :-)

10:30 AM  
Blogger AyeEnDeeAreEeAyeAitch said...

Boy names are easy, it was the girl names we had a hard time deciding.

What about names of ex presidents like Jefferson, Jackson, Woody, Ike, Truman, Roosevelt, Franklin, Reagan, Carter, Hell even Clinton would work, just not Bush k?

12:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have you thought about putting the little cherry outfit in a shadow box and displaying it in your daughter's room? It's a great way to keep that special outfit in good condition.

I have done that with the outfit my son wore on the day he met his son was 5 weeks early, and daddy was half way around the world. We added a picture of my husband holding my son for the first time, and framed it within the shadow box.

...Dawn in the frozen north

7:40 PM  
Blogger Lala said...

Interesting, I still have a lot of my son's baby clothes and he's 12. I think something is wrong with me. I just kept believing I'd get another chance.

I second the name Jackson, also like the name Mackenzie. Davis is a neat one too.

6:04 PM  
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4:41 PM  

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