Wednesday, January 26, 2005

An Apology

From an inferile sister who doesn't name my blog, may not be meaning my blog, but well could be, not happy about happy pregnant posts. What I don't understand is the part where the fee for pregnancy has been increased to not just some suffering but to reach the highest level to become deserving.

"And, of course, in true Pottery Barn People fashion, it's usually the one's who haven't been through 12 miscarriages or 7 IVFs.
Uh huh.

I never expected everyone to like me. But I never meant to hurt anyone. If I did, I'm sorry. I mean it.

I haven't forgotten what it's like to be infertile, I don't know how anyone possibly could. I am not strolling through this pregnancy carefree and happy, but with doubts and fears and my head turned backwards looking for the bogeyman who is bound to jump out from behind the bushes and take away all of this. Some things are too good to be true.

I spend a lot of time trying to fight these fears. To feel normal. To let go and feel pregnant and normal. I haven't paid as many dues as some women, but this didn't come easy either. Sometimes I'm able to let my mind take a rest and my hope to take over. I lay in the daisies, stare up at the clouds and imagine I see happy, fluffy clouds rather than the dark ones on the horizon. I allow myself to buy baby things or start decorating the nursery. It's a hard leap to make, and when I do it I get proud of myself. Sometimes I post about it because I want to share this new, fresh feeling.

Yet, being a pregnant infertile is an oxymoron and there is no clear path. Dare I to complain about my aches and pains? Then I'm ungrateful. Can I post a happy post about finally purchasing some baby things? Then I'm flaunting that happiness. Too happy.

So what am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to act like? Tell me what is right, because I certainly don't know. That's why I fluctuate and can't seem to stay in one mood for a whole day or even a whole hour.

I'm grateful I haven't had to suffer as much as other women. I could give my fertility resume, but it won't compare but I don't understand why that's required. Why pick on a pregnant infertile? I haven't gone through this scar free. It wasn't easy. Time goes by slowly when you're dealing with infertility.

Maybe it's just a minority opinion or she was just having a particularly bad day. It's not the three of you who responded to me today. Three different women in three different situations and you seem to understand.

And I shouldn't let it bother me, except that I never intended to hurt anyone. I've instead just sputtered through posting when I can and on my thoughts at that moment. Not well thought out. Not well planned. Not even well written. Just honest pictures into my mind. Even then, it's edited as it's written as who can possibly express all that they think or feel into a blog? Well, I ask that but I know that there's those with the gift of word who can. Me, I'm not one of them. I can put words together, but they still come out vanilla. I hope it's only because I have a vanilla vocabulary and not an actually vanilla person with a vanilla life. But maybe I am and just don't know it.

So again, in case you haven't seen it already, if my pregnant posts have bothered you, I apologize. I have no idea what I'm doing. Really. This is all new territory for me. The last person I'd ever want to hurt is an infertile because I know they're hurt enough already. I'm not sure what I should make of this blog or which direction it should turn. Maybe I haven't worked on it hard enough, or I've taken it for granted. I'm not sure. I've got more thinking to do.


Blogger Jen P said...

Pazel, I too took issue with that statement, not with the vent itself, but with the statement that somehow skewed who becomes deserving and who's a piece of shit.

Being a recent pregnant infertile, who has not had really ANY happy pg posts (can we say scared rigid?) I took so much offense to that. Because it stung like hell. I haven't even managed to get enough funds to do ivf (we chose to buy a house instead) and luckily, we somehow got pregnant after being more than 1/2 way through the adoption process.

It's just dumb luck, a fluke. But I have had losses, and by no means is my pain somehow unwarranted because I didn't get to join some fancy-schmancy band of priveledge. In fact, we were going to start our first ivf in march, after having taken out a huge loan.

Am I grateful to be pg? Yes, very, very much. But it doesn't mean it's an easy road to travel, especially getting pg the cycle after you finish bleeding from your 2nd miscarriage. The 2nd confirmed pregnancy in more than 36 months of trying. It makes me feel sick reading that. As if being on this road for almost 4 years with NO LIVE BABY isn't somehow worthy.

Pazel, you are so deserving. Very deserving. And this is your blog. You don't have to apologize to anyone.

best wishes

6:33 PM  
Blogger Wavery said...

Pazel and Jen P.,
I'd like to email both of you privately. Pazel, please send me your address. I had it once, I'd really like you to be included in this. I am sorry you've been hurt.

8:33 PM  
Blogger amanda said...

Sometimes it's hard for me to read pregnancy blogs, and a lot of times it's hard for me to comment. I just can't relate, ya know. The thing is though, that I care about you and all of the other pregnant infertiles I've come to know and love. Personally, I think you've been sensitive in your postings. Honestly, if I was offended I would just stop reading. I haven't, though. Pazel, know that whether or not I comment on your blog regularly that I'm still here reading along and wishing you the best.

6:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pazel - I doubt her comment was about you, you've been so considerate and I think any regular reader of yours knows that you, like so many of us, have trouble walking that line.

Pregnant infertile - there is no right way to be. When we are excited, we feel that at the risk of hurting those we care about that are still struggling. When we are scared, doubtful or worried we have people telling us we should be grateful for being pregnant.

Tertia had a very eloquent post about feeling multiple conflicting emotions at the same time and it was brilliant and so true. YES, we're happy, we're excited, we're grateful and we would would feel awful if there were not times that we celebrated the fact that we have babies on the way. But we are also sad and sensitive, still not feeling safe or comfortable, still checking the toilet paper for signs that the bad thing could still happen.

Just like a person who hasn't dealt with infertility can't really know what it is like, and someone who has knows their own experience but not someone else's -someone who has not been pregnant after a loss, losses or struggle with infertility may not be able to understand one of the deepest secrets of all. ...

It doesn't fix everything.

I love you Pazel, I do. Please don't let her comments make you doubt yourself. She's upset, I understand why, and I understand why her comments were hurtful....because we really shouldn't get into the Pain Olympics.......nobody wins.

(and yes I know I need to change the name of my blog but several have said they are afraid they won't be able to find me)

10:12 AM  
Blogger Dee said...

For some reason, when I try to e-mail you from both my personal and work accounts it's bouncing the messages back so I thought I'd post here to reach you.

First, hello, my friend,

How I appreciate your wisdom. Thank you very much. At the time the doctor called me, it was so unexpected that I was completely bowled over that I couldn't think to formulate questions. In fact, I had been hoping that the test would come back normal, something that would help me feel more like a normal pregnant person. But no such luck I guess.

Yes, so now I wait...and try to decide what it is we want to do. I agree with your point and can see how you didn't want to be surprised by learning there is something wrong with your baby upon delivery. I think
I'm of the same mindset.

So, if you don't mind, could you please fill me in on your amnio experience when you have a few minutes. What time did you go in? What all was involved? How long did it take? Could you feel anything? What were your instructions post-amnio? How long to recuperate? Did you take the following day off, etc, etc. As you can see, I'm full of questions.

I just want to know what I may be getting myself into. They can't get me in tomorrow as both doctors don't work on Fridays (how nice for them) so I'll have to wait until Monday, unfortunately. I have called the
doctor's office back and asked them to fax me the results as I want as much time as possible to review them and see what my odds/options are. I'd rather have three days consideration than go in Monday morning to
see the geneticist, get the results there, and then have 3 hours to decide. Not enough time for my liking.

So thank you again...from the bottom of my bruised heart.

Much love--and gratitude--back to you,


11:43 AM  
Blogger Barren Mare said...

This is a really hard one, and feelings have been hurt in many ways, so I've been reluctant to comment in any way that might be perceived as taking sides (which I am not). But I'll just say that I've always respected the way you've written about your experiences and for sharing yourself. Personally, I don't find anything upsetting here. In general, it can be hard for me to visit some pregnancy sites, but I've learned to pick when I visit- if I;m having a bad day, I tend to stay away. But that's a reflection of what is going on in my head, not what somebody is inflicting on me. And certainly not something you have done.

Wishing you well.

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