Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Many Doubts

I'm trying to think of something witty or interesting to say but I'm not coming to anything quickly. There's a few things on my mind.

I could write about school. How in my class last night I was called upon and couldn't grasp the question so gave a stupid answer. Thereafter I questioned the wisdom of getting her to let me in despite not having taken the prerequisite. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea. I've made myself a new promise to reawaken my inner overachiever to make special preparations for this class.

I could write about Janie. Usually she reports to me who she played with at school, and it's generally a good sized list. Yesterday she told me noone and my heart broke (although I hid it well). I told her to ask them to play with her or if she could play with them. She told me that she was afraid because they could say no. I wanted to wrap myself around her and protect her from the world. Instead I had to casually tell her that if they did, she just had to ask someone else because she is so much fun, so funny, so smart and so pretty that anyone would want to play with her. Then I laid awake in bed last night thinking about how similar she is to me when I was that age and how I want more for her. And I thought about her elementary years and desperately hoped that they would be happy. This motherhood thing really hurts.

I could write about the nursery. We painted it two shades of blue this weekend, one for the ocean and one for the sky. We now leave the door open so we can look inside each time we walk by. It is so beautiful, calming, and promising. So happy and hopeful. I can't help but smile when I see it.

I could write about work. My big project is moving along, but has to speed up to get done before I have this baby. It's a financial projection for a huge project that will be going to the board of directors while I'm on maternity leave. It's all on me. Just this week we fired the consultants (who I told my boss were a bad a idea back last March) because they haven't added anything of value and I've had to do everything anyways. I've got to do good on this project. If I don't, well, I can't see them keeping me if I don't. If I do, then I could have a chance to possibly be in charge of it financially when it is built. No pressure really.

Truth is, I'm having doubts about my blog. I'm wondering if I should continue it. I used to hold the notion that I had something interesting to say if only I had an outlet. Now I do, and I find that I don't. What do you know, I'm ordinary in yet another way. It's kind of disapppointing. So I've been doing a little soul searching and part of me doesn't want to give up. I'm not writing this as any sort of plea. I'm not the pouting take-my-toys-and-leaving sort, but more of the throwing a party, don't think many are attending or having fun so thinking of calling it sort. Maybe I just need a new direction, or to write on new subjects. I can't rant on about the RE's office anymore, or talk about my fears of IVF or it not working. I'm a scared pregnant woman with many inner doubts about pretty much everything that means anything to me. I'm just not so sure of my ability to express them.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Watching you transition into a parent (again) is enough to keep me interested. Yes, I'm bitterly trying to conceive, but eventually, somehow, I'm going to have a kid. I am in awe of people who had troubled childhoods/ not ideal parents who have gone on to parent successfully. It's important to watch other people go through it and I'll be reading for as long as you're writing.
Bindweed Heights

10:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am delurking to say please stay. I am not 'clinically infertile', but have done nothing to prevent pregnancy and have had a rockin' good time with The Mr very regularly for almost 3 years and have yet to achieve a sibling for our 5 year-old daughter. Or a second baby for us! We'll never have the money to do anything about it. Our insurance will do nothing to help us and our families would blow up if we ever asked for a loan to do any treatments. I like reading your blog because I feel less alone in my absolute love for my daughter and complete want for another child to love as much. It makes me feel less greedy knowing someone else wants another one too. For us, the first was very easy to get. So we felt confident that we'd be getting another one in time for summer break! Wrong. How humbling. Terribly, terribly humbling. So, please stick around if you can.

11:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pazel - I hope you will stay. Your words "I'm a scared pregnant woman with many inner doubts about pretty much everything that means anything to me. I'm just not so sure of my ability to express them." speak to many of us, no matter how eloquent you do or don't feel. Writing a blog doesn't require that you be eloquent or always know how to say the things you are thinking or feeling. I run into that all the time and people are still reading.

The fact is you are honest, interesting and I intend to keep reading if you'll have me.


12:34 PM  

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