Monday, January 10, 2005

Practical Pazel's List for Last

This will be our second and last baby. There will be no more. Despite the fact that we've proven that we can't get pregnant on our own, I am planning on getting my tubes tied to make sure it doesn't happen. This seems strange. Birth control of any form has been out of our lives for so long that it's hard to get my mind around it.

So I've been working on a list of things I will be giving up by having my tubes tied:

  • Ever getting to become pregnant for free or naturally or by surprise. I imagine that there must be a certain sense of accomplishment with having achieved pregnancy without a syringe or team of doctors. I'd feel like a normal woman, one on tv or in the movies who feels a little sick and lo and behold is pregnant.
  • Each month getting my hopes up. Calculating due dates, thinking about symptoms, checking my basal temperature, and sometimes taking hpts. Then having them crushed when I get my period anyways. Kicking myself and calling myself stupid for believing that I could ever get pregnant on my own.
  • The chance to surprise Matt with a cute pregnancy announcement.
  • All visits to the RE. No more dildo-cams. No more tests. No more personal questions. No more wondering what they think of my half naked self. No more appointments in the middle of the workday. No more staff who thinks I'm too uninformed to be informed about the details of my test results.
  • Ever having twins or children close in age. Actually, this I can give up easily. I think twins are so cute together, but I know the realities of raising a child and my own limitations. I'm not that good of a mother, and definately not that organized. I'd end up mixing them up or losing one somewhere.
  • Spending all our money on infertility treatments. I think I may have already given this up as with purchasing the van and some other things, spending the money I had saved for a second IVF.
  • Knowing the exact day of my cycle at any time and tracking when we had sex in relation to that cycle. I want to give up baby-making sex altogether and go back to passionate love. Right now it's kind of hard with this huge belly in the way and the fact that I'm always tired or unable to breathe. But, I have grand hopes for our future. Hang in there Matt.
  • My excuse for not exercising as much as I should. I have big plans for getting back into shape after this baby. No more using the drugs and infertility stresses as excuses for gaining. No more using the possibility that I may be pregnant as an excuse either. And I will be able to take drugs that pregnant women shouldn't handle and drink wine whenever I want. Oh, I miss wine and sushi.
  • Ever feeling a baby kick inside me again after this pregnancy. Or bringing a baby home from the hospital or watching as he/she grows. Never again will I buy tiny baby girl clothes for my own daughter. This will be my last nursery to put together and my last maternity leave.
  • All the pains and discomforts of pregnancy. I could list them all, but considering this started as an infertility blog there may not be much empathy. It's okay, I can handle it.
  • An additional few more years of parenting and juggling more children. I am still trying to figure out how I could possibly give another baby as much love and attention as I give to Janie, must less trying to figure out how to do it with a third.
  • A third child. We'll never know what that child could have been like or what they could have added to our lives.
  • Feeling out of control as to the size and make-up of our family. When you're faced with primary infertility, you're constantly having to decide when to keep going or when to change directions or when to stop. Even after having a baby, then going through secondary infertility, there's the same questions again. Such an important choice as to family size and when to have children is taken away from us. Our bodies don't work right and we don't know what things will be like in 6 months or a year. The same? Different? I really want to be able to get that control back. Make the decision instead of having it made for me. Make plans for the future and live in the present.

So I'm about 99% sure that this will be our last. I hope to be 100% by the time I get to go time. Of course it all sounds so cocky of me to talk about this baby as if he's certainly going to be born healthy and fine. There are no guarantees. Yet, as big and uncomfortable as I am, I have to think that I am having a baby so that I can continue feeling that it's worth it.

Besides, all I'm taking away is the chance to get pregnant for free. Since I had to go through IVF anyway, if I suddenly got desperate for a third child, I would probably have to do that again. Tubal ligation doesn't take away that option, it just takes away the ups and downs of each month. Yes, it's that bad that I could get them tied just to feel normal again.

And it's more than that too. I am so grateful for two. To go back for thirds would be gluttonous.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I remember, as a teenager, seeing a talk show featuring infertile couples. One couple that had stopped treatment and the wife was going to have her tubes tied. I was as stunned with their stupidity as the audience was. What, are you crazy? You could get pregnant on your own. It happens ALL THE TIME! Now, of course, as an IVF mom, I understand exactly where they were coming from, and how painful the hope can be. Even when there is really no hope at all.

Tracy (tracybob_one at yahoo dot com)

10:52 AM  
Blogger chris said...

A friend of mine did the same thing. After 5 years of IF and 2 IVFs, she gave birth at age 40 to boy/girl twins. It was a pretty difficult time for her and her husband, but they were so grateful to become parents. And then recently, at the age of 42, she got her tubes tied. Someone who hasn't been through infertility might have wondered what her point was. But I got it. Even at 42, even satisfied with 2 kids and not really wanting anymore, even with the odds stacked against her, there was still that ambiguity every month and that was painful. And so she ended that and gave herself some peace.

Good luck.

8:16 PM  
Anonymous Sammy said...

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12:48 AM  

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