Monday, January 24, 2005

A Quiet Baby Makes a Worried Mother

Friday the baby was too quiet. He's been quiet for awhile, but more so. I ate an apple and two cookies, laid on my side, and tried to count kicks but there were none. No movement. After an hour I called my doctor. After 2, I went to OB triage. I learned that my little son hates monitors, so he tried to kick them of. He was active, he was fine, and I cried.

I'm so attached to him, I am deathly afraid of something bad happening. I know that they do. I can't help but have these bad thoughts, these dark fears. Saturday he was even quieter, with probably only one kick for the whole day. I didn't go in this time, I just tried to stay busy and remind myself that he's fine. Sunday morning he woke me at 4:30 trying to kick his way out. I was tired, but relieved. He returned to his normal movements and schedule and my mood has improved.

It's hard to love a child you cannot see. I put my hands on my belly and feel the lumps, trying to guess what they are. I talk to him, but I'm not sure what to say. It brings me to tears. I want to tell him how much I want him and love him. I want him to know that I'd do anything for him. I want to tell him that he needs to stay in for now, but one day soon I will hold him in my arms. Yet, it's hard to talk to him outloud. It makes me too vulnerable. I can barely get a few words out and I feel like I'm in too deep. I let it happen. I got attached and now I can't turn back. I don't know what I will do if he is not okay.

My best friend's daughter was stillborn. Having it happen so close makes it very real. I witnessed her grief and I understand it. She became pregnant with her son as soon as she got the doctor's okay. But what if you're infertile. What if it took everything you had, physically, emotionally, and even monetarily, to get pregnant and you lose the baby? I can't say that the pain would be worse, because I don't think there is worse when it comes to death. She wasn't replacing her daughter by getting pregnant right away, she was doing what anyone would do. But what if you can't? If I lost him now, I'd have all the pain but no second chance. The fact that I'm this far is no less than a miracle. I can't help but think that I'm over my quota on miracles. If I lost him, I'd be out.

It is an attachment to him. To this baby. There's only a few things I know about him. I know that he loves to get up early. He kicks when he's hungry, like he can smell food and wants some. His favorite target is my cervix (my daughter, I think because she's a girl, would never do that). He must think that my coughing is normal, so he sleeps through it. And he hears Janie sing songs to him and he kicks and wiggles in response.

I never thought I'd have a son, and I dared not to dream it. I had given up on the idea years ago when I learned the odds were slim when dealing with severe male factor. Daughters are great and I'm not picky. But now despite all odds, I am having one. I hold my belly and whisper that he's mine. I can't say it loudly for all my fears. I'm afraid the fates will see me getting what I shouldn't have and make a change. I want to hide him, protect him from the bad things that swirl around, that I know can happen.

I wish I could just become one of those blissfully happy fertile pregnant women who spends this time planning her showers, decorating her nursery and complaining about the ten pounds she's gained. Sometimes I forget and play along (although my gain is far more than 10 or 20 or... ). But sometimes, like when he's quiet, I get worried and let my demons out.

Meanwhile as I type this, he's kicking me pretty good. Wants to cheer me up I guess. Wants to let me know that he's fine. He is. He really is.

10 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, I almost could have written this post myself (except for the part about already having a child). I don't know what I'd do if something happened to this little guy. It took so much to get this far. Thanks for articulating this.

kelly jeanie

8:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sorry for the scare my friend. I understand.
Mandy

9:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I understand. I feel exactly the same - the demons, the worries, the hush.
Hopefully in three months you and I will be able to take long, deep breaths of relief.
Menita
(lifesjestbook.typepad.com)

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