Friday, February 18, 2005

Coming to Terms

My mother called last night and told me lots more about Meryl and her family. Basically my mother said that she and her family seem very normal and interesting, in contrast to my sister's boyfriend "the doctor" who still seems kind of strange.

I've got to get over this feeling that something bad is going to happen. I am privately the most negative person in the world. Publicly, I smile and say I feel great. When I'm alone, I obsess over everything and am convinced that doom waits right around the corner. I've got no real reason to feel this way. I've just got to knock it off and start moving past it.

I met with the urologist today and he said that my protein isn't high enough for preeclampsia, I've got no swelling, and my blood pressure is back to 105/something. So he ordered another 24 hour test, but he's going to release me back to my OB with a note saying that I'm fine. See, I really am.

And I've had no bleeding or early labor like I did last time, although I keep looking and expecting to see it. Why do I drive myself crazy like this? I'm going to wake up in just six weeks with a healthy baby and wonder why I didn't enjoy this pregnancy.

There is no real justifiable answer for it. Am I a hypochondriac or just trying to brace myself for some sort of fall? I had really talked myself into believing that I would never get pregnant again, that I'm still sort of confused. When I wake up in the morning, I'm surprised to see my belly, no matter how big it is. When people gush about this baby being a boy I get embarrassed, as if I'm making it up. I don't think these thoughts are normal.

One of my favorite things is to just sit with my hands on my belly and feel him moving around. He's big enough so that his movements aren't just in one spot. He's taken up the entire space, so when he moves I can feel it all over. And when he juts out a foot, it kind of hurts because he can really push it out there, and I try to grab it to feel any detail. And I do it because it reassures me that he's alive, that he's active, that he's real. It's like the practical side of me is directing my hands to feel the movements, that the more I feel the more it will sink in that it's really happening.

Work has been going horrible because I'm so distracted by all of this. There is barely a time during the day when I'm not aware of my pregnancy, either by his hiccups or hiking up my pants or the constant bathroom visits, yet I still feel like I'm just becoming aware of it.

Sometimes I just want him born now so that I can walk away from the table with some chips, a winner. He's alive, let's do it before something bad happens. Then I think about the NICU and how horrible that would be and I tell myself that the best thing I can do is to let him stay. I'm the human incubator and science can do no better. Besides, I tell myself, you've got so much work you've still got to do before he gets here. If he were born tomorrow you'd be in big trouble.

So I'm going to work on getting my act together before he is born. I will get my work projects done, my home projects done, and maybe even figure out a name for him. Meanwhile, I will also work on accepting the state that I'm in. Believing that he will be healthy and stop bracing for that not-so-inevitable bad news. Some times good things do happen. Janie is living, breathing, mess-making proof. It's time I stood in the sunshine, smiled, and exhaled. Maybe I do deserve it.


Anonymous Mandy said...

Commenting with tears in my eyes and my own little one kicking away. These things still take me by suprise, like the amazing way others assume there is a baby with no hesitation. I don't think eithe of us likes holding onto this disbelief - its just so hard to assume things are going to be ok. Feels too much like taking things for granted.

Here's to healthy babies, getting our acts together and believing. Nice to know I'm not alone, my friend, and very nice to hear your test results are ok.

Keep us posted.

3:19 PM  
Blogger Jen P said...

Congrats on the low-protein! Whoo hoo! I'm hoping it was just a fluke and you stay absolutely picture-perfect healthy for these last 6 (!!!) weeks!

I think your feelings are perfectly, absolutely normal given previous experience and I want this wee boy here with you too.

Best wishes.

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