Monday, March 21, 2005

A New Kind of Two Week Wait

My c-section is two weeks from today. Two weeks. That's not that long at all. I think the regular two week wait is longer.

This weekend Matt finished painting the family room. He jokes that I get the nesting instinct so he has to work, but really I've been wanting this done for years and finally he's feeling the pressure. Nothing like planning on lots of visitors to get some home improvement projects finally finished.

I spread all my baby loot on the extra bed, but I haven't put it away yet. It was more of an inventory. I haven't washed the baby clothes yet nor taken tags off of anything. I have all the receipts saved too. Old habits are hard to break. Matter of fact, I still have my Lupron, pen and left-over repronex stored in the refrigerator. I promised Matt I will throw it out after the baby is born. (If someone needs it, please let me know.)

As I stand here, I still don't think it's real. These type of good things aren't normal, at least not in my world. It sounds strange that I say that when I do have Janie. Obviously there are good things. I just don't trust that pregnancy necessarily leads to a happy ending, or at least I don't anymore. Since Janie was born, my best friend has had three pregnancies. One baby was stillborn, one baby was born with Down's and serious heart problems, and one baby was born healthy. The scary thing is that she had no idea any of these things were going to happen and neither did her doctors. She's younger than I am too.

Today, I have an appointment with the nephrologist because of the continuing protein issue. I have a feeling that all that will happen is that she will order another 24 hour test for probably sometime after the birth. I think the doctors have all but concluded that the extra protein is just my kidneys suffering during this pregnancy which hopefully will resolve on its own. Thursday is my ultrasound because of size. I wish this would have been done two weeks ago when I was really anxious.

I have also come to the conclusion that I will end this blog after the baby is born. I'll still read and respond to other blogs, but knowing what I know, I don't know how I'll find time to maintain it. Plus, right now I've been feeling kind of like the lone tree falling in the forest. Do I make a sound? I don't know. Of course I will tell you all about the birth, but I can see myself slipping back into my nonblogging self after that. Motherhood to me is something I've been doing and I know. I may not be the best at it, but it holds more certainties for me than fertility or pregnancy ever could. I will have my tubes tied during the birth and end all of this cycling and uncertainty. I look forward to having that whole phase of my life behind me.

In the meantime, there is much to do. First of all I've got one big work project that has to be completed before the baby is born. Second, I've got to get my family room back in order now that the painting is complete. Third, I've got to finally get it together enough to remove the tags and wash the baby things. I've got to accept that this creature hiccuping in my belly may be born and be fine afterall. Not washing the baby things is magical thinking, like giving in to believing will make something bad happen. Oh the rational mind versus the fears of the heart in a fight to the finish.

Do you know what I wish? I wish I could write like like Tertia, or Grrl, or Julia, or Jo. I swear there are more interesting things going on in my mind than I can express in written words. I wish I could share with you the feeling of him moving around inside me, or the way my heart sings when my daughter talks about all she's going to do with this baby. And I'd tell you how this blog saved me when I was lonely and scared going through IVF without my best friend to talk to because she was dealing with her own issues at the time (newborn with disabilities). I needed a friend and through this blog I've found several women who understood. With my family and my coworkers, and sometimes even my husband, I would smile and pretend that I had everything under control. IVF, yea we're doing it, but it's just something we're trying. In reality it was more like, IVF, OMG what if it doesn't work. Then what?

But I didn't have to find out and in that way I do feel extremely lucky. I'll take my swollen fingers, sore back, cramped lungs, and general overloaded heaviness any day over what's behind door number 2. I know that many women before me and after me have had to venture through that door. I've watched them walk through, and they've described how they've felt on the other side, but I haven't had to go there. I admire them, because they keep going. Maybe another IVF or another, or maybe adoption or surrogacy. They've faced my fears and lived. I can't help but be in awe.

And what I want is for every woman to go through the two week wait I'm now in. The kind full of preparation and excitement instead of hold-your-breath kind of worry. I want them to complain about pregnancy and having nothing to wear instead of dealing with home studies or waiting for the next many months for another chance. I could sing "I'd like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony. I'd like to buy the world a coke, and keep it company" but that's a little too kumbaya for my taste.

So to my friends, I make this toast. "May we all get more than we deserve." Cheers.


Blogger Jen P said...

Pazel, I just had a dream your gorgeous boy arrived ahead of time, so I'm nervous with you these last two weeks. I do hope you'll occasionally post with updates on your 2 beautiful little ones, but I completely respect the need to leave blogging.

I wish you the best these last few weeks. And a beautiful, easy birth.

As for your writing, you've always been one of my favourite bloggers.

Hope you're doing well.

2:22 PM  
Anonymous Mandy said...

Pazel - I just wrote about the new 2 week wait on the PCOS board I frequent...definitely on the same page with you in many ways.

I wish you all the best and will be so excited to hear when this little guy is born.

That said, I've come to the conclusion that if we all wrote like the group you mentioned, they'd be considered boring and so would we. Our different styles help keep all of this interesting.

If you don't have time to blog, or the desire I will understand. But I would so deeply miss you.

7:01 PM  

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