Sunday, April 03, 2005

I'm having a baby tomorrow

I'm having a baby tomorrow.

I don't believe it. I don't care how big I am, how much he moves around, or my name on the surgery schedule. I'll believe it when I see it. Just last night we put the car seat in the van and I packed my bag for the hospital. And we still don't have a name for this poor kid.

I can't really think about what it will be like when we finally have him. It's too emotional, too raw. Instead I spend my time concentrating on the details. Do I have the essentials I need to bring him home? Are there meals set up for Janie? How is my work ever going to survive without me? Actually I don't think about that last one too much.

Matt has been wonderful. He's nervous. Last night I asked him what he would do if I died on the table and he refused to answer. I made him promise that he won't move the kids to Nowhere Nevada by his parents. It's not that I don' t like his parents, but the mindset there is so incredibly different that I would have to haunt him. I told him that if I died he should move back to Arizona where he can buy a nice house and my best friend would help him in raising the kids. In truth, I can't die because I need to raise these kids. No one else would be good enough. Not that I'm Mary Poppins, but I like my own brand of moderation.

Right now he's runnning around trying to buy a TV for our bedroom for me to watch while I recover. He said that he feels like it's Christmas eve and he's got to find the doll all the stores are out of before they close and it's too late. I'm not too particular about the TV and would be happy with something inexpensive since there's nothing worth watching on anyways, but he wants it to be special. He's trying to find some HDTV super spindicular plasma flat thing to go on the wall in our bedroom. He's set the bar so high that he's created enormous pressure on himself. I only worry about the price tag and that he ends up buying nothing because there isn't one that fits his criteria.

I had a strange dream last night. I don't remember most of it, but the end when I was playing with a little girl with down's syndrome who was my daughter's age. Her blond hair was cut in a chin length bob. I know it must be my best friend's baby daughter, but I'm not sure why I was dreaming of her. Was it some random synopse or was my brain trying to tell me that all would be okay? Even when it seems like something bad has happened, it ends up not to be the end of the world. Maybe. But I don't think the mind can truly prepare the heart for anything so important.

Janie is loving her time with my mother right now. They stayed up late talking and Janie told her that while I'm at the hospital they could eat ice cream for breakfast and cake for lunch (but macaroni and cheese is good for dinner). They're playing McDonald's in her playhouse in the backyard. My mother told me that she tried talking to Janie about the new baby last night but Janie didn't want to talk about it. Janie's very excited talking to me about it, but I don't think she wants to share her Grandma with the baby.

There's much I've got to do today. I'll try to write more tonight or tomorrow morning. There's so much going through my mind.


Anonymous amanda said...

How exciting. Good luck Pazel!!!

1:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would post much more often - love your blog - but find that blogger's comments often take forever to load. I wanted to say that the other day when you were talking about shutting your blog down after the baby is born. I would really miss this blog/you/your take on life. Anyway, good luck tomorrow. Don't worry too much about Janie - you might find she actually enjoys the baby and helping and doesn't feel left out etc. as you fear. My daughter was 3 when her brother was born and I had many of the same fears. She was amazing after - helpful and happy. I must say, two is so much more fun than one once they start interacting. Love your husband with the T.V. idea - wow, he's a keeper. Have fun, take lots of pictures, and heal well. Heather Ann

3:53 PM  
Blogger Dee said...

Oh, dear Pazel--I'm sending you so many good wishes and happy thoughts for a wonderful wonderful birth experience tomorrow. I know it's a c-section but that doesn't make it any less special.

Just think...this time tomorrow, your family will have grown by one small person...and exponentially with love.

I'll be thinking of you all and waiting for an update....

Much love to you each,

5:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're going to be fine and the baby's going to be fine. And you know when the baby's coming, which makes me extremely jealous of you.

Janie sounds like my older sister. She told me that Grandpa was HER Grandpa, not my Grandpa, so I spent about a year thinking that this nice man was absolutely no relation to me. It took them a while to riddle out why I wouldn't hug him anymore.

Best of luck tomorrow.


5:41 PM  
Blogger Cricket said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6:21 PM  
Blogger Cricket said...

(Major typo, sorry!)

All my best for tomorrow. Can't wait to hear Janie's reaction, too.

6:23 PM  
Blogger Wavery said...

I am rooting for you and your family. Good luck to the best of all outcomes and to a speedy recovery. I'm so excited for you.

8:37 PM  
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