Monday, May 23, 2005

More home thoughts

The maids were back today. There was much talk in Spanish until one was appointed spokesperson. She asked me about the baby. "How old?" Seven weeks. "Not here..." while moving her hand around. He was in the hospital. "He okay?" Yes, thank you.

I was thinking tonight about the NICU. I know that tonight life is going on. There's new babies arriving and some going home. I know that the baby that was to Jack's right is still there. A tiny preemie. I can see his mother's visit in my mind. Driving into the parking garage. Walking into the hospital. Elevator or stairs to the 3rd floor. Walk down the long hallway. Greet the receptionist. Lock purse into a locker. Scrub up to the elbows. Put on a gown over the clothes. Walk to the baby's spot. Peer in to see how he's doing. Hold him if the timing is good, but let him sleep if it's not. Get an update from the nurse. Read the nurse's notes for the other shifts. Settle self in for a good long time.

It sucks. I hated it. I loved seeing him, but not like that. I never knew what I would find when I got there. At worst was those updates that would change his discharge date. Then there were the less bad updates which included multiple tries to get blood or start an IV, shaving part of his head to get to a vein, or just seeing a nurse that I didn't especially like but would be hanging out with all day. Then there was finding out he had been upset but I wasn't there. I just wanted to get him out of there.

Now he's home. He cries for a few hours a night. It's not so much fun. He's not tired or hungry, just cries. The pediatrician said that it may be from intestinal contractions that hurt him. Or it could just be colic. We've tried different things for gas but they're not helping.

Other times of the day are fine. He'll look at me. Sometimes I swear he's flirting with me. Those eyes, that smile, he knows that he owns me. And when he sleeps, he loves to snuggle up to me, like he's trying to dig a burrow into me. Matt just put Jack into his swing. At this age Jack shouldn't be able to see me at this distance, but I swear he's staring right at me, sucking harder on his pacifier. He's keeping an eye on me, making sure I don't try anything, like say a shower or a nap.

It's so different being here instead of being at the hospital. I love holding him and rocking him without a "Let me just take his blood pressure while he's sleeping." or "I'll just slip this thermometer in." or "How long did you breastfeed him? Did you weigh him before starting?"

Saturday I started my summer school class. Class was from 9 to 4, so Matt was left alone with both kids almost all day. Although I had asked him about this back when I was pregnant and when Jack was in the hospital and Matt said it would be no problem, the morning of he practically begged me not to go. He didn't care about not getting some of the tuition back. After reminding him that I needed to get these units so I could stay on track to graduating next May, I was off. It was really hard to be away. I brought my manual pump in my backpack and was given an empty classroom for privacy. When I called Matt at noon, he was in good spirits. When I called back at the end of the day, I could hear Jack screaming in his arms and hear the tension in Matt's voice. They were both done for the day.

So I'm going to take a shower. Jack peed on my leg during a pouch change. I had draped a diaper over his little thingy, but the diaper kind of pointed him out the side toward my leg and our comforter. Ahhh, the joy of boys. I could almost imagine his little eye winking at me right after.


I've been reading all your comments and there's so much I want to say. Time has been short, that's for sure. I'm working on it.

Now the little mister (master?) in the swing has had enough. Back to the human swing. The shower will have to wait. What's a little pee among family?


Blogger Carmen said...

I've been reading for a while. I'm so thrilled that you are both home!

Good luck on the school stuff. I know it can be hard to leave your baby. Especially after all your family has been through. Make sure that you do something nice for yourself - you deserve it.

2:42 AM  
Blogger Dee said...

What's a little pee among family, indeed!

I'm glad to hear that things are slowly getting on track. It sounds like you're each doing well and that's great news. I'm so very happy for the four of you Pazel, and so very glad that your sweet Jack is home now.

6:26 AM  
Anonymous lisa said...

You are an incredible person and a wonderful mother, and don't let anyone make you feel otherwise.

Everything you're doing now- wow, I couldn't imagine being able to handle half that much even 1/4 as well. I had my son (my first) in the NICU for 12 days because he was 2 months premature and thought that was hard. I still think it's hard, and he's now 4 months and somewhat less fussy than he was the first two months (though part of that was due to his milk protein allergy- once I eliminated all dairy, life was manageable).

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