Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Circular Error

My grip is starting to slide again.

I had a dentist appointment yesterday. I brought Jack with me as it was during his nap time and I thought he would sleep. He didn't, instead he started to fuss. A dental assistant offerred to pick him up and I quickly had to push away the hygenist to sit up and tell the assistant that he has a bag, but don't worry about it. She took it very well, was still happy to hold him, and didn't ask any questions. And neither did anyone else. While I was relieved that they didn't (because I just didn't feel like getting into it), I got a little down that I have to worry about it. I want them to see him, and not wonder what's going on under his clothes.

I have two cavities, so I need two appointments for an hour each. As much as I hate getting cavities filled, I'm having more of a problem trying to figure out when I will set these appointments. I don't want to bring Jack in again because they shouldn't have to babysit him during my appointment. And they are closed on Fridays, which Matt sometimes has off. They open after he's gone to work and close before he's home. And it seems like so much hassle to ask Matt's aunt to come out just for my 1 hour appointments. I don't know what to do.

It seems like such a simple task, right? See, those are the killers. When I have simple tasks that I just can't accomplish. It's not just the energy or the time, it's just... I can't put my finger on it.

I didn't set the appointments yesterday since I didn't know what to do. They called today, and the receptionist had a hard time understanding what I was saying. I need to arrange sitting before making the appointment, but I don't know when to arrange the sitting since I don't have an appointment. It's a circular thing.

But really, it's that thing again. The shadows. The verge of tears for no reason thing. Looking sadly at unmade bed but unable to get myself to make it. Hearing his cries boring into my soul, but unable to help him. (Why has he all of a sudden decided that he can only breastfeed lying down? Screams and fights when I try to sit and feed him, but at the same time sucking on my neck when I hold him up. Hungry, but stubborn as hell. And as soon as I lie down with him he's calm and nursing fine.)

Matt called and offerred to sleep with Jack tonight so I can sleep in the other room. He called it preventative maintenance. While I should be happy about this, instead I feel like a bad mother. I can't do what he needs. I'm not strong enough. I'm not good enough. Yet, I do need the sleep and I feel guilty for wanting it. It's not so much Jack who has been keeping me up lately, but some insomnia. Thinking about all that I'm too tired to do, which makes me too tired to do any of it the next day.

See the circles? I need to get better to get better. I need to be strong to get stronger. Yet, if I could do that I'd already be doing it, now wouldn't I?


Anonymous Yatima said...

Oh, Pazel. Beware of depression - the fatigue, the paralysis, the unmade bed. Remember that accepting help and looking after yourself makes you a better mother.

Sending you encouraging and reassuring thoughts.

4:21 PM  
Anonymous terri c said...

Thinking of you, Pazel, you sound so very tired and sad. This isn't failure on your part AT ALL. You've been through hell and need care and rest. Everyone out here in your computer is pulling for you to get that. Please take Matt up on his suggestion; Jack's HIS, too--and let us know how you feel. Wish I lived near you. I'd gladly cuddle Jack while you do the dentist thing, or whatever.

6:34 PM  
Blogger Carmen said...

I've had PPD before. Sending you kind thoughts, lots of sleep, and understanding that it's a tough place to be.

6:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had 3 months in the nicu with my baby (just after Thanksgiving), and now that the shock is waning, I can look back and see that I needed a grief period, and it started to hit as things started to stabilize at home and I could let my guard down a little. Probably those feelings are because you are starting to feel more safe about Jack on a fundamental level (that he will survive). As the grief comes, just let it. For me, it finally washed away with time and tears. I did let my husband in, but that took time too and was organic. When you are too tired or sad, you will take up the offer. On some level, you are still in the shock of it. I remember how pissed and ashamed I would feel sometimes going to physical therapy with her. The reminders, you know? In the long run, letting your husband in and letting go of your grip (naturally, not because you are supposed to) will help. For me, that took walking through the pain to get there.

12:22 AM  
Blogger swissmiss said...

Pazel, the first time I took my husband up on the sleep in the spare bedroom offer I felt guilty and felt wierd to have him bring me the Small Boy at 3am, then take him away again after I nursed him. The next morning I felt odd. But so refreshed. For a long time we made it a weekly thing that I would sleep in the spare room and my husband would do the night feeding(s) by bottle. It was wonderful, and recharging my batteries like that really helped me be the parent I wanted to be the rest of the week. Take Matt up on the offer, please.

12:56 AM  
Blogger R said...

I wanted to add that Lucy sleeps about 2 hours per day and never seems hungry as well. It must be a phase?

Take care of yourself, PLEASE.

Every mother who has a baby who had a rough start at first needs time to deal with that, and to grieve what she expected, and what is the reality.

I sure did.



6:55 PM  

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