Wednesday, August 24, 2005


Since I last posted I had flown to AZ for work and then back home again. In my absence, Matt and my mother handled Jack and Janie. And on the drive from the airport, Matt couldn't stop talking about how much they missed me.

My little cutie pie went from waking every two hours to crying from 12-2. "What is this formula crap? Why should I listen to you people? Don't you know who I am? I'm baby dammit! Where is my boobie? What have you done with the brown haired woman? Give in to my demands or no one sleeps!"

He's sleeping now, tired from the trip to the cardiologist's office. Just regular appointment for an EKG and to increase his dosages. I asked the same thing I always do. "Sooo, do you think his SVTs has anything to do with the Hirschsprungs or the time in the hospital or the deep line or sepsis?" Nope. Just a coincidence.

This trip to Phoenix was very difficult. I didn't feel emancipated with the opportunity to sleep. Instead it felt like only a shell of me was gone. I really did leave my heart in San Francisco. All I wanted was to be with my baby. Instead of feeling vindicated that he had cried and ran them ragged, I wanted desperately to console him.

Next week school starts and I will change to part time. I should be excited. Truthfully, I feel guilty. Matt says I shouldn't. People change jobs all the time without a second thought to their employer or peers. I know my boss would put her family first. Yet, yet... I do have guilt. I met with my boss yesterday. She asked me what we needed to do to get my workload down to parttime. She emphasized that they wanted me to work part time so that I could graduate on time and move back. "You are moving back, right?" What can I say? Should I tell them that I'd much rather go to a mid-size town in the Pacific Northwest where I could get a much higher position at a smaller hospital? That AZ is on the list as a safety only? A just-in-case? No, I can't tell her that. I need this job to last 10 more months, and at part time. Why would they keep me on part time working from home in another state if they knew I was leaving? So I was evasive, and somewhat misleading, while my true side tried to give hints. And I feel bad about it. I can say I'm doing it for my family, but I wish I could just tell her. I just don't see the possibility of getting a similar situation to this one, which I need while Jack is a baby and I'm in school.

Sometimes I doubt if what I'm doing isn't a great mistake. I've tried to continue my career while being home with my babies and while going to grad school. The cost has been much higher than I expected. And everything is done only part way, never great. Will I always have doubts? Will I ever discover the optimum answer?


Blogger Jen said...

I did something similar once (took a job when I was 99% certain I'd be going to grad school full time less than a year later - and the new employer knew NOTHING about my possible plans) and wrestled with the guilt. But you know what? I did go to grad school, which was one of the best things I ever did for myself, and the organization I left survived. They got good work out of me for the time that I was there, and there was always a chance that I might have chosen to stay.

They are getting good work out of you and they are not having to train someone new for the position, so it's ok for them, and it's what you need. And there is always the fallback possibility you mention. So take care of yourself and your family first, and work will take care of itself. It always does.

2:34 PM  
Blogger lisa said...

I know I couldn't do half what you do. And I have only one child- a high needs son, born almost 2 months premature and thankfully very healthy.

I work part-time from home, maybe 10-15 hours per week, and my ulcer just returned. Of course, that may have something to do with the 5 nights in a row of almost no sleep due to suddenly having my nipple permanently occupied from 11pm-7am.

I feel that I'm never really giving my son 100% of my attention, that I stick him in the Exersaucer too much or try to distract him with one hand while I work. When I'm not working I'm thinking about what has to get done. And the house is a mess and he's just about to start crawling and we haven't done one thing to childproof so we've got a deathtrap of a house.

But sometimes you have to make compromises in the short term for your family in the long term. You and your husband have to weigh the benefits and disadvantages and do what you feel is best. It's hard though, I know. I wish you the best of luck and as much sleep as you can get.

2:50 PM  
Anonymous Billie said...

Oh, how I can relate to your feelings. I have two kids - 3 and 1 (both healthy, though). I have been working full-time while trying to finish graduate school. In the year since my second son was born, I wrote my dissertation while working full-time. I felt like a total failure in every aspect of my job, like I wasn't meeting ANYBODY's needs or doing anything well. All I can say is, hang in there. I made it through and you will, too. Life will seem more manageable once you are getting better sleep - being sleep deprived on top of everything else is killer. Also, I know it seems impossible right now, and that you'll be consumed with guilt if you even try it, but please do try to get some time just for you. Take a daily walk with a neighbor or something. By taking back a little time for yourself, you will have more to give everything else. As for your job, I can understand the guilt. You have to ask yourself: are they getting enough value out of the time I spend working to be worth the salary they are paying me? If the answer is yes, then you don't owe them anything else - you're even. As long as there is sufficient value in what you're doing for them, then you can walk away at any time without feeling indebted. Take care and know that you've got a lot of people follwing along in your journey and cheering you on, even if we don't say much.

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