Katrina

The news on Katrina is horrible. I feel like we've abandoned those people. I want to do anything I can to help.

At the same time, I'm trying to keep my husband from going down there. They're putting a crew together to send to the Gulf coast to help restore power. It's similar to when he went nearly a year ago to Florida for 3 weeks after that Hurricane. He would like to go. Now that I'm working part-time, the money would be good. He wants to help. And, his crew is going including his foreman. But I don't want him to go. It's not his safety that I worry about as I don't believe they would put him in a dangerous situation; the job is dangerous enough. Actually, it's me I worry about.

I need him right now. At the end of each day I start watching the clock hoping he's on his way. And at 6am, when Jack needs his bag emptied, a diaper change, and meds, I count on Matt taking care of him for just a few minutes. Then there's my Tuesday night class.

I know that if pressed I could find a way to work it all out without him. I just don't want to . Strongly don't want to. Desperately don't want to. So where I'd usually tell him to figure out what he wanted to do and then do it, instead I'm just flat out telling him that I'd rather he stay here. Still not the strongest words as I'm not an ultimatum type of gal. I'm just feeling kind of torn between my compassion for the people down there, and my own selfish needs. How about next year's disaster, when the baby is older and I'm getting more sleep and no longer in school?

I'm having a hard time watching the news. The suffering is immense. I see babies and children and I want to grab them and put them in my house. I feel guilty for taking a shower when they need drinking water. And look at all this food in my cupboard when they are so hungry. I don't blame the resuers, they are trying. But I'm developing an intense anger at the government. Hey, we knew this hurricane was coming for a few days. And it's now been what, 5 days since it struck?

I saw this woman on the Today show this morning. Two days ago she was on the news, holding her baby, calmly talking about how everyone was being so neighborly. Her blond hair was up and looked very neat. She looked like she was on her way to gymboree instead of outside a shelter. They showed her again today, wearing the same clothes, still holding her baby. Her hair is stringy and wet. Her eyes are crazed, words desperate, pleading for help, begging for water, saying she's having a hard time rousing her baby. And I'm sick about it. What the hell?

What would I do without water or food for my children? What wouldn't I do?

My baby had cereal this morning, and is currently sleeping in his swing. I wish her baby had the same.

I want to do anything for her.

But I'm trying not to send my husband.

F8ck.