Monday, December 05, 2005

Surgery

Jack's date has come. There was a cancellation so Jack is in. When I got the call, my stomach fell and I almost threw up. Yes, I wanted a December surgery, but that's easier to say when the surgery date isn't set and seems still far off.

Today, I guess I can say today as it's past midnight, we will call at 8 and they will tell us what time to bring him in. They will give him an IV, probably take blood for tests, and then they will most likely give him a tube in his nose to start administering a liquid to clean out his system. He'll be admitted and not allowed to eat. In other words, it will be a horrible day. Horrible.

Tomorrow, Tuesday morning, he will have surgery. They will take out half his large intestine and hook up the good part down to his rectum. They will take out his colostomy. Then he will stay in the hospital for probably a week as we get him to eat and hopefully poop. The pain meds slow the digestive system, so there's a trade-off between pain and speed.

And I don't want to do any of it.

I want him to get the surgery. I would love to stop using the bags and get him as normal as possible.

I don't want him to be in any pain. I don't want to put him in any danger. I don't want him to get scared or uncomfortable.

And while I know that this phase we're in with the colostomy and bag changes and all is difficult, it is our reality and we've become accustomed to it. I hate it, but I can do it. This surgery will end that, which is good. On the other hand, the surgery will not make him suddenly perfect. He will not be normal. He will be missing half his colon. He will suffer from severe diaper rash and will most likely need suppositories and such as his system learns.

He's part of me. Somedays, as he clings to me, my little spider monkey, that attachment is so acute. I can't get a free second. When Matt is feeding him, if I walk by he starts moving his hands and kicking his feet, pleading with his eyes and whining. We're still sleeping together and breast feeding. He's my little baby and he needs me. And I kiss his cheek and put my hand over his head, and I need him. He has the sweetest smell, and softest skin. And his little face is just a miniature of my husband combined with a male version of our daughter.

I plan on trying to stay in the hospital with him as much as Janie will let me. We've got Matt's parents visiting to help with her. I can't be away from her either, but this is a shorter stay with a more definitive ending time than when he was in the NICU. He's also more aware of me and his surroundings. He's going to be scared if he wakes up without me. And he's going to be looking for me specifically. I will not let him wake up without me.

I hope that someday this will all be some interesting story we tell him about how he got those scars on his belly. I'm looking forward to a day in the near future when I can blow raspberries on his tummy. And when he can wear two piece outfits like any other boy. And I want to give all the rest of his bag supplies away to the ostomy nurse to give to other patients.

My little baby. Sleeping in his polar pals zip up jammies, arms spread-out, lips making little sucky faces, chest rising and falling with each breath, dreaming of boobies, kitties and his big sister. You won't have to endure any more bag changes. I know the bags bother you by how you're always trying to grab and rip them off of you. They will soon be history. It will not be easy, but it will be for the best. Know I'm by your side, and we all love you. You're going to be okay. I love you.

42 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I never comment, usually, and just wanted you to know I'll be thinking of you all. Hope it goes smoothly. Best Wishes.

4:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I also never comment but felt compelled to tell you that I will hold you & your family close in my heart and thoughts. Best Wishes from Cape Town, South Africa.

5:21 AM  
Anonymous Mary Scarlet said...

Good luck, I will be thinking of you all day and all week. I hope the surgery goes well and you have him back home soon.

5:22 AM  
Anonymous deborah said...

My thoughts are with you, your family, and your little boy. Please promise me that when all of this is said and done, you will pass along my own virtual raspberry to Jack.

5:45 AM  
Blogger VHMPrincess said...

good luck tomorrow. I hope a speedy and easy recovery.

6:50 AM  
Blogger Dee said...

I'll be thinking of you and dear Jack tomorrow...

Please keep us posted :-)

7:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good luck! Good luck! Good luck! Hoping all goes better than well tomorrow and beyond.

8:21 AM  
Blogger Ally said...

Oh, good luck. To your sweet boy, a successful surgery, and to you, peace of mind.

8:25 AM  
Blogger April said...

My thoughts and prayers will be with you and Jack, and the rest of the family tomorrow.

8:47 AM  
Anonymous jb said...

thoughts, prayers, good wishes and speedy recovery vibes to you & Jack.

9:04 AM  
Blogger Meh said...

Thinking of you my dear friend, and of your little gorgeous son. Best wishes for a speedy recovery.

much love

xx

10:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know I usually lurk more than comment - but I wanted to let you know that I will have you, Jack, and the rest of your family in my thoughts and prayers. I hope the surgery is a wonderful success and he never has to go through anything like it ever again.

10:48 AM  
Anonymous Kris said...

Good luck to Jack. I wish him the best possible outcome. I will be saying prayers for you and your family.

11:35 AM  
Anonymous Alex/Infertile Gourmet said...

Watching and praying for the best. Good luck.

11:38 AM  
Anonymous Audrey said...

Also a lurker, delurking to say I'll be thinking of you all, and wishing for the best.

8:23 PM  
Anonymous Christine said...

Hoping all goes well tomorrow. Thinking hopeful thoughts for you all.

10:33 PM  
Anonymous Din said...

Love and best wishes to your little man, hope it all goes smoothly,

3:58 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

Oh, wow! I can't believe he's already to this point. Good luck today and best wishes for a speedy recovery.

5:49 AM  
Anonymous Jen 2 said...

Like the previous Jen said, I can't believe the day has already arrived! Keeping fingers and toes crossed that all goes perfectly.

9:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Another lurker delurking-Sending lots of well wishes your way! I pray all goes well and for a speedy recovery!!

Erica

10:12 AM  
Anonymous Sol said...

Best of luck for Jack's surgery and speedy recovery ... may God be with you along this difficult step fo the journey.

You will all be in my thoughts and prayers and will be checking back for updates soon.

Much strength and love from Argentina.

11:00 AM  
Blogger Anna said...

What a beautiful and heart felt post. I can't believe surgery day is here. I wish you and your family all the best. My friends' son was born with his diaphragm not working properly, so his abdominal contents were moving into his chest cavity. He had surgery to repair it, and thankfully he's fine and hasn't had a problem since. He'll be 6 in February. They have demonstrated that Harry Potter has a scar, too, which makes them both unique. He's fine with his belly scar. Since it happened so early in his life it's healed really well. I'm sure it will be the same for Jack, although I hope his post operative recooperation will go smoothly. You sound like an absolutely brilliant mom; I'm sure Jack will be greatly reassured just by your presence. Best wishes to little Jack : )

12:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

with tears in my eyes... I wish you all the best for jack's surgery. big hugs to you and your sweet baby boy. speedy recovery...
~Lissi~

12:34 PM  
Anonymous Libby said...

I hope everything went well and little Jack is home in your arms soon.

12:43 PM  
Anonymous Menita said...

I am thinking of you and hoping everything went well.

6:36 PM  
Anonymous Julia said...

I hope all went well and that he's doing everything he's supposed to in order to jail break it out of there.

Thinking of all of you.

9:04 PM  
Anonymous Kristen said...

I hope the worst is over and you are all resting comfortably. I can't imagine passing off a child to a surgeon and the wait - though I'm in the field of medicine and see it every day. I'm keeping a good thought for you and your family.

9:05 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

De-lurking to wish you and Jack and the rest of your family well. All the best.

12:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sending you hope and well-wishes!

Rachel H.

4:43 PM  
Blogger Anna said...

I hope all went well with Jack's surgery last Monday. Thinking about you and your family and sending the best wishes your way.

9:23 AM  
Anonymous Jb said...

still keeping you in my thoughts and hope you are home with Jack and all went well

7:26 PM  
Anonymous Menita said...

Thinking of you.

6:40 AM  
Anonymous Michelle said...

What a beautiful post. I hope all went well with Jack's surgery.

9:18 AM  
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