Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Been There

I love GettupGrrl at Chez Miscarriage. I don't know how to do links so I can't do that for you, but she's first on my list of infertile women to the left. Hers is the only one that isn't alphabetical because it is her blog that inspired me to start writing. She writes with such humor and grace on the most painful subjects. While I am bitter, she is still loving, and yet I have a child and she doesn't.

She wrote today on Secondary Infertility, a subject dear to my heart. She understands. She's never been there, has every right to dismiss my hurts and complaints, yet she doesn't. She sends me a honking shout out, and it makes me cry. How can she care so much for my secondary pain, when hers is still so acute? Primary infertility is the worst. The worst. I only know because that's where I started and lived for a few years. You never forget what that's like. I hope every woman with primary infertility can end up with a problem like secondary infertility because it would mean that they did have a child. They would love that problem, and I would love for them to have it.

Unfortunately, when you're going through primary infertility, there's no way you could know that one day you'll be going through it as secondary infertility. If you knew that, then primary infertility wouldn't hurt so bad. It's that fear. I remember.

Yet secondary infertility is not all happiness. I am in a middle land where there is no understanding. I don't want to hurt the primary infertiles, and they don't want to be near me for their own protection as well. While I understand their pain from being there, they don't know that I do. They see my child and assume that I couldn't possibly know. I want to tell them that I care, but I don't want to hurt them with some stupid comment.

Meanwhile the fertiles try to indoctrinate me into their club, but I just don't belong. They worry about birth control, perfect space between children, and getting a good mix of sexes. None of that stuff has meaning to me. I had to quit the Mommy group when they all started getting pregnant again. I still get their Christmas cards with pictures of their children, oldest the same as my daughter and one or two younger ones. It has been almost 4 years since she was born. Their lives have continued. I couldn't empty out the "bottle cabinet" until this weekend. I was afraid that storing the baby bottles elsewhere meant giving up. I feel like I've been standing still this whole time, like a record skipping each month.

I have great sympathy for those going through primary infertility, and do not expect anything back. If I did, then I couldn't really remember what it was like, could I? I don't expect them to understand my pain because I know theirs is worse and all encompassing. I know their fears because I've had them. I know that they would trade problems with me in a second. I also know that it takes an extraordinary woman going through primary infertility to care about someone like me. Everytime I read a comment from a primary infertile on my blog, I am sort of embarrassed that they can care for my little problems when faced with their own. Do they think I'm a whiner? Do they think I'm ungrateful?

Of course I am. I am and I'm not. That's what secondary infertility is all about.

To those primary infertiles out there, I honk back.



Blogger amanda said...

Well, personally I don't think you're a whiner or ungrateful.

To be honest, I do get jealous of other people who have children, even people experiencing secondary IF. It's just natural. The only pregnant people or people with children that I can really deal with are other infertiles. It helps to know that they've gone through as much, if not more, than I have. I really don't read or comment on too many secondary IF people's blogs, though. I guess it's just harder to relate sometimes.

3:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you are wonderful. You are going through the same fear, all over again, that you went through the first time, that us primary infertiles are going through now. So BEEP.


4:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Beep beep!
And GOOD LUCK tomorrow!!!


5:57 PM  
Blogger Toni said...

TOTALLY agree with you...we're in the same boat.

6:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just read your comment over at grrl's site and I had to tell u - u aren't the only one. Your post made me cry. My daughter is 2 now and we have been going threw all the SIF hell for 8 months. Before our daughter was born we lost our son at 16 wks and then a second loss at 6 wks.
I am greatful for my daughter, but that doesnt mean we don't want to share our love and our family with another baby, nobody has the right to tell us we can't. My heart goes out to you!

8:14 PM  
Blogger akeeyu said...

This probably sounds weird, but frankly, SIFs give me hope. Not hope that one can have a baby after all this crap, but hope that one can have a baby after all this crap and yet NOT turn into one of those insensitive "oh, just relax...that worked for us" parents.

Oh, and beeeeeeeeep.

11:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Infertility is infertility. It all sucks.


--Brooklyn Girl

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