Sunday, August 22, 2004

Bigger Clothes

I went shopping this weekend, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't buy maternity clothes. I don't need them yet, but know that I will. I gave away all my maternity clothes years ago, so I don't have any. Some pants in my closet are getting tight, especially in the evening. My bras are starting to cut in on me with my larger size breasts. I can't imagine this is all baby. I'm sure it has to do with the relaxing of my uterus since this is a second, and relaxing of my diet. I have periods of being extremely hungry, and periods of being bad. Most of the time I try to stay on course but it's not that easy.

About a year or two ago I resolved to reinvent myself. I knew it would be slow change. First I applied to, got accepted, then started grad school. I got a new haircut and bought new clothes. I joined Weight Watchers and lost 20 lbs. I also went back to the RE's office and started treatment again. I've defined success in many different ways besides just physical, but I did work on improving the physical to give me more confidence and make the outer me look more like the inner me.

During the IVF process, I gained back 10 lbs of my lost 20. I didn't care about my diet. I couldn't handle counting points while praying for a miracle and fearing the worst. To call it stressful would be an understatement. Besides finding comfort in food, I gave up most of my physical activity. It was the opposite of all I had done for my health, yet I respect my boundaries and don't beat myself up about it (too much).

So I've got some clothes left over from 20 lbs ago that I can wear in these early months. Yesterday I went out and bought a few more in my old sizes, especially low rise pants hoping I can belly over them for a few months and make them last. I couldn't buy maternity clothes or even go into that department. I don't feel or look pregnant enough to belong. I'm afraid I'll be chased out of there, "Fraud, fraud! You're not really pregnant! We know who you really are. You're infertile!"

Tomorrow I'm flying back to Arizona for work. My friend Vanessa says she'll be unloading a bunch of maternity clothes on me. I'll bring them back, but I'll hide them in my closet, just in case. I don't want to play dress-up. I don't want to tempt fate. While I am secure in myself and my pregnancy today, I assume nothing about tomorrow.

And have I told you that I've named the baby Flicker? After the heartbeat on the ultrasound.


Blogger amanda said...

Flicker- that's a beautiful name.

6:40 PM  
Blogger JenP said...

Congrats to you and Flicker. Sounds just amazing.

8:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hereby christen the fetal unit Flicker.
Flicker Bean
Flicker Peanut
Flicker Protein?

It's your money, you are the wearing the clothes, you do whatever the hell you want.

Wavery (Bindweed Heights)

9:38 PM  
Blogger Dee said...

Hi Pazel! So happy to hear that all is well for both you and Flicker.

It's funny but you and I sound so much alike. I too made some life changes that I'm proud of--especially food- and exercise-wise--but I've also recently relaxed those things in light of current expectant state. Alas, I am also beginning to outgrow a few of my clothes here and there and--drumroll please--I had to bite the bullet and buy new bras this past weekend since the new chic look of boobs spilling out of the cup tops just didn't have it goin' on.

I can fully understand the not shopping for maternity clothes yet--I too feel like I'll be called out as a fraud. I had given away all of my 'heavier' clothes and basically got a whole new wardrobe in the past 2 years. Now I find myself struggling each day to zip my skirts or button my pants over slowly-growing belly from too much good food, much of it formerly forbidden.

But we'll get through this--and hopefully the day will come when we no longer feel (or look) like frauds. Sending lots of good thoughts your way!

P.S. We've named ours "Spud." So here's to Flicker and Spud!

7:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Flicker. Beautiful.

And I agree with Wavery re the clothes - do whatever the hell you want. My paranoia about this pregnancy won't let me buy bigger bras but if there's a heartbeat at the next ultrasound I'm caving.
Glad things are going well, P.


7:55 PM  
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