Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Post U/S Euphoria

I had my second pregnancy u/s today at 8w1d. Flicker has grown. The heartbeat was 165 bpm, which to me automatically means girl. Matt couldn't come with me, so after the u/s I called and told him it was twins. "ARE YOU KIDDIN ME?" Yep, I'm pulling your leg. Then I laughed like I haven't laughed in forever. Next time he'll come with me for the u/s.

I have been preparing myself for bad news in this ultrasound. Sunday I had spotting. No cramps, no red blood, but spotting. It's not as scary as before, but still scary and nothing I wanted to see. I also have no symptoms. My breasts and nipples are fine, not sore at all. I have no morning sickness, although once in a great while I will feel a little flu-like. I don't feel any different than before, except for this post-scan euphoria. I feel so happy. I feel like renting a blimp and having it broadcast that I'm pregnant. I guess eventually I will be that blimp, so I'd best just be patient.

Tonight is the first night of my biotech class. On Saturday I had my first Negotiations class. In it we had to do two different negotiations. In the first one, the teacher gave us a chocolate gold coin and told us to negotiate over who gets it, and it cannot be split. Some tried pleas of emotion, of being attached to the coin or being very hungry. Others tried deals where one person gets it now and has to repay the other two gold coins in the future. One group decided to donate it so neither of them got it. As for me, at first I took the coin and told my partner that I had possession so it was mine as he couldn't physically take it away from me. This isn't really a good form of negotiating though, so I put it back. He tried a couple of different tactics, basically trying to tell me that the coin was meant for him. I then told him that our interests were even and we should therefore try a more fair approach in which we would both have equal opportunity and willingness to accept the outcome. In other words, we flipped a coin. I lost, but I ended up with kudos from the teacher for thinking creatively. Well, when you're an analyst for a living, you're just dying for an opportunity to use your creative side.

Today is my big presentation, but I'm not in Arizona. I cancelled my flight on Sunday because of the spotting. I also told my boss that I may wait a few weeks before flying back. I just need some time to get past this more dangerous part. She is very caring and was completely fine with it. She's always been like this. Is it no wonder I continued to want to work with her even after I moved a state away?

Update -
I forgot to tell you about the sick game Valerie and I played last night. It's called "What is Worse". She knows this game as her first baby was still born, second healthy, and third has down syndrome with heart defect. We go through worst case scenarios we've experienced or we fear. It goes something like this...
"What is worse...
"...never able to get pregnant, or easily able to get pregnant but having to give birth to a dead baby."
"...going through IVF and getting a negative, or getting a positive to lose it 8 weeks later?" - please note, this was last night, after my spotting on Sunday, she thought it would be worse to get a negative because then you wouldn't know if you even could get pregnant, I wasn't so sure since a miscarriage would be a special kind of hell
"...having a down syndrome daughter die at 4 months during heart surgery or having your second still birth?"
and so on.

Then we start getting silly...
"...having your mother move far away or your father move very close?"
"...having your husband move far away to work or having your mother in law move in?"
"...having your son want to be a macho meathead just like his grandpa or go through sex change surgery to be just like his grandma?"
"...having 5 daughters or having 5 sons?"

Why do we play this game? We get our fears and painful moments on the table, plus make up funny ones that aren't really fears just teasing. I couldn't play this game with anyone else. It would get serious and hurt feelings. With her, she respects my grief, I respect hers. We do it to talk about the bad things without it being a sad conversation, not really comparing our pains. Actually, if we compared pains, I would say hers is worse from the loss of her first child. The hard part is that these things, especially the baby and fertility ones, are real things. They actually happened to her or I or someone else. We are weighing our pain just as so many others have talked about. Truth is, you tend to believe that your own pain or very real possibilities are the worst. It is so much closer to real than something that didn't happen or probably will not happen.

As for her and I, I'm hoping that soon we will run out of bad case scenarios to compare. I think we've had our share.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yay for Flicker! Rock on!
Next time, just swallow the coin. Negotiation over (or a very interesting new negotiation can begin).

11:04 AM  
Blogger amanda said...

So glad to hear that Flicker is doing well. Good luck with your presentation.

11:22 AM  
Blogger JenP said...

Glad to hear both you and Flicker are doing well. Grow little baby grow!!

2:11 PM  
Blogger E. said...

I'm so happy that your little Flicker is doing well, and that you finally had a chance to laugh and laugh! I really hate that we all end up carrying worry and grief baggage into pregnancy...the optimistic me hopes that that makes the moment when we finally meet our children that much sweeter.

3:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hurray for flicker.

So umm, what does it say if you eat the chocolate coin before negotiations even begin? Umm, possession is 9/10's of the law, hee hee? Oh c'mon, I'm a cranky infertile, why the hell would I negotiate for a piece of chocolate? If I want it, I'm gonna eat it ;)


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