Sunday, August 01, 2004

Unfamiliar Optimism

I just wrote this whole thing and with the slip of a finger I lost it all. Let me try again.

Thursday morning - 7dpt (7 days past transfer) - I christened my first hpt (First Response Early Detection). Only one line of course. It was too early, I knew that but it didn't stop me from getting down all day.

Friday morning - 8dpt - This morning I got a line that only I could see, along with some very experienced infertile women. I kept checking it all day in all sorts of light to get the right angle on it. Hope tried to wake up, but I shoved her back in the closet. I wanted to post about it, but knew that Matt could read it and I wasn't going to have him find out that way.

Saturday morning - 9dpt - The line was still faint but recognizable to infertile women and the men who humor them. A fertile woman would dismiss it and tell me to wait and try again in a week. Ha! I could never wait a week between tests. If I could, I would be waiting for my beta on Monday. I couldn't help it, I had to show Matt. He could see it, but said it was so faint that he refused to get his hopes up. As for me, you couldn't get the smile off my face. That night after dinner & movies, we went shopping together for more tests. It was very strange to buy them together. I'm used to doing it in a secretive solo trip to a drug store out of our neighborhood, then hiding them in the house.

Sunday morning (today) - 10dpt - I was in agony this morning with a full bladder, trying to pretend I was still asleep. I was too scared to pee on the stick. What if I forgot the secrets to this magic trick and the second line was gone? What if the line got lighter so it was just the trigger all along? But I could only wait so long. A few long seconds later I did get my second line. It is still faint, but darker than yesterday, undeniable and recognizable to anyone. I've lined up all four tests on my bathroom counter as modern artwork. "Shades of Faint; An Homage to Undying Hope, A Study in Impulsiveness, Medium of Morning Urine."

How do I feel? I've got absolutely NO symptoms. None. Nothing. Bumpkiss. I wish I had something, but I'm just grateful for these second lines, however faint.

You'll notice that I refuse to use the "P" word in reference to myself. No way. Bad juju. I still have a beta tomorrow, then doubling beta, then ultrasounds... When I was pregnant with Janie I didn't believe it for months. How could I when I was accustomed to bad news and being infertile?
So Hope is driving. Her hair is flowing, her smile contagious, and the radio turned all the way up to try to drown out all my critical and worrisome thoughts. It's working okay. I'm cautious, but very very happy.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Crossing all of my fingers and toes and legs and arms for you.
Good luck tomorrow!

12:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wishing you oodles of luck tomorrow. I hope when they call you back with the results they say, "OMG! You sure it's not twins ;)".

The lines are getting darker, that's good. Mine kept getting fainter, I knew that was bad.

1:59 PM  
Blogger amanda said...

Wow! I'm impressed you were able to keep that to yourself until now. I'm keeping my fingers, toes, and everything else crossed for you for a big fat beta number tomorrow.

2:02 PM  
Blogger Mare said...

Oh my! Oh mymymymymy! I am cautiously optimistic with you. Yikes! Beta tomorrow? I'll be checking every hour until there is news!

2:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh salud! to dual shopping trip with the husband for tests....and the biggest Bon Sante! to those double lines....keep em coming!!!!

alexhere from the kitchens of the infertile gourmet

3:51 PM  
Blogger Mandy said...

Oh Pazel. Sending cool driving tunes for hope to listen to as she drives along.

Sending you prayers for high, high beta. I hope, I hope, I hope.

9:26 PM  
Blogger JenP said...

Doubling, Doubling, Doubling thoughts. Dividing and dividing and dividing!!!

Go embie go!

3:44 AM  
Blogger Pazel said...

I Love You all so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all your good thoughts and kind words. Cross your fingers for me.

10:20 AM  
Blogger Julie said...

Just catching up after a week away. Many, many congratulations! MANY.


7:53 AM  

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