Thursday, March 31, 2005


Last OB appointment was today. It went well enough. No dilation and cervix is tight. So if we weren't having a c-section on Monday who knows when this baby would come out.

I noticed last night that one of my favorite things is slipping into cool sheets. Ohhhh. Then of course Matt starts to snore and I'm nudging him. He apologizes, moves around, then starts snoring again. I nudge again and tell him to roll over. He apologizes but doesn't roll over. Play this over and over again until he eventually does roll over or I go out to the couch. In either case I'm no longer relaxed and the sheets are now heated up.

As it gets closer to this baby being born, instead of getting excited (although I am), I worry more about Janie. She's excited about the baby being born and I know she'll be a good big sister. But her whole world is about to change. She'll no longer be the center of attention. She's been our only child for 4 1/2 years. She's used to being the star not only with us but with the relatives. Last night we opened a package from one of my sisters and in it was two boxes. Janie assumed one was for her and one for the baby, but both were for baby. I tried telling her that it was because they were birthday presents for the baby, but she was disappointed. After the baby is born, everyone will come to see him. And I will be recovering and spending my time caring for him. So I worry about her. How does this go?

Wednesday, March 30, 2005


I'm still sick. I think this cold is doing a really good job of distracting me from my deadline. Monday. The baby is coming Monday. This Monday.

I saw my GP yesterday because I felt very short of breath. I brought my bag of medicines. He basically told me that I have pregnancy induced asthma. I need to take Flovent twice a day, Albuterol as needed, Flonase when stuffy, and my Promethazine cough syrup nightly. (And I asked but Robitussin is bad and I should avoid it.) I've given up caffeine and alcohol completely, yet I'm supposed to take all these meds? His answer was yes. The message I got was that I've been sufferring since early December with this cough because I keep getting prescriptions but not taking them thinking I'm doing what's best for my baby. It's all my fault. He didn't say that exactly, but he did.

So last night I did as I was told and took all the meds. I slept like a rock for the first time in forever. I got up this morning with Janie, sat on the couch, and soon was asleep. She was a good girl, ate her breakfast and got herself dressed. I woke up (barely), got her hair done, made her lunch, dressed myself and took her to school. I felt like I was still drugged and so incredibly drowsy. Every action was incredibly difficult. I couldn't wait to drop her off so I could fall asleep on the couch again.

So sleeping is good, but feeling drugged is very, very bad. And my baby has been quiet today as he is the day after whenever I take that cough syrup. I hate that. Absolutely.

So maybe this sickness is my own fault for not taking my meds, but it's better if I am the sick one instead of him. I don't know if I'll take the cough medicine again tonight. I'll take the other meds, but the cough syrup is hard. Too much guilt.

See, my sickness is a good distraction. Monday. Wow.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

More Complaining

My cold is killing me.

I cough so violently and pee a little each time. My nose is a faucet. I sneeze. My eyes water. And my throat is sore. I'm sleeping only in 2 hour increments. Nothing revolutionary, but I'm tired of it and need to get better before my c-section on Monday.

I realized today that the smell I have associated with old people is the smell of urine. I only know this because of my incontinence with each cough. It leads me to pee every few minutes just to keep my bladder empty to try to prevent it.

Tonight I have class. I don't know how I'll do it yet. Parking is too far, and I'm coughing too much. But I have to do it because I need to save my days off for after the baby is born. I just don't have the energy.

Monday, March 28, 2005


I just got the call. Yes, I had to wait the weekend afterall.

Baby's fine, just very big. He's healthy, although I'll have to see him to believe it. They wouldn't give me an estimate of the weight, but did say that on date date of the ultrasound, when I should have been 37 weeks and 4 days, the baby measured 40 weeks and 3 days. Because he's from IVF we know his actual due date is correct, so he's just a big one.

Nothing about ABS or anything else wrong, just that with him being breech and large and my past c-section, he's a c-section all the way. One week from today.

My weekend was cruddy because I'm sick. I believe that I have caught my third cold this trimester and my cough is much worse. I'm having major problems breathing. I should be working or doing something today but I'm not. Well, I am doing one thing and that's putting his swing together. There's so much more that I could be doing but just can't.

Janie was the cutest thing yesterday for Easter. The kid who can't be roused before 7:30 got up at 6am to see what the bunny brought her. She got to eat candy and I got to dress her up in her new dress, gloves and hat. She is my little doll. Matt then took her to his aunt's for Easter and I stayed home because I was too sick. Easter alone. It wasn't that bad afterall. Janie had fun with an egg hunt, and then she re-hid the eggs and made the adults search for them. She encouraged me to feel better next Easter so I can look for eggs too.

Now I'm going to go blow my nose again and feel sorry for myself for being sick and debate with whether I should call my GP. My OB's office already told me today that I should deal with the GP and not them on my cough and cold.

I don't know if I could describe all the thoughts that went through my mind this weekend as I thought about the possibility of my baby having a birth defect. I knew I would love him no matter what, but I worried about him growing up and how the world would treat him. Of course I didn't tell Matt anything because we knew nothing and there's no need for him to suffer like me. And I only sufferred because I'm a crazy person who took the only thing she said during the ultrasound and tried to give meaning to it. Well, maybe that's not so crazy but it did give me more worry then I needed.

Thank you for checking on me. I feel much more relieved. Of course I wish I could breath too, but I'll go lay down and maybe order some hot and sour soup, I like it much better than chicken noodle.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Waiting for Results, Again.

I hate waiting. I called my doctor's office and the receptionist tried telling me that it takes a week to get back ultrasound results. I don't think so honey. Not with this one.

My dog is feeling much better. She was able to pass the obstruction and she's on antibiotics for a UTI. Today she was back to playing with the cat.

My family has started their pool on my baby and my brother's baby who will be born about 3 weeks later. For his baby they all guess around 8 lbs and that she will have fuzzy blond or red hair. For mine, the guesses are around 9 lbs and stark bald. I think he'll be even bigger. But the damn doctor's office hasn't called me back yet......

Today Matt will be doing some paint touch ups and I should be working on my work project. Tomorrow is for cleaning house and decorating easter eggs. Sunday will be lunch and egg hunt with Matt's family. Monday is my little sister's PhD dissertation speech, which I'll go to but not understand a single word after her name. I wish I had something else to wear besides my dark black and blue skirt and sweater, but I'm not investing in maternity clothes at this point. It will be what it is.

Last night I had some weird dreams. I dreamt that Matt and I went away to this new school so that I could finish my education. We moved into this tiny apartment the size of a hotel room. I was to babysit for our neighbor but she kept coming up with excuses for not letting me hold her baby. I didn't look pregnant, but for some reason I knew that I was and that it was important for me to watch her baby so that later she would watch mine.

In my dream there was also this beautiful community of about 6 huge houses set in some rolling hills. These houses and this neighborhood has recurred in many of my dreams over the years. Sometimes I go into one, sometimes I find that there's ocean nearby, and sometimes I get in trouble for venturing through their streets. This time I noticed that three houses were behind a locked gate and three were not. I decided that I liked the ones that were not in the gated community the best. But all we were doing was driving up to do a U-turn. While we were doing it, someone, possibly Matt, dropped a ball out our truck window. I got out to pick it up and just looked up at the houses for awhile.

Then at about 2 I got up to pee, and about 4 Janie woke up crying. I went and climbed into bed with her. It's a little cramped between her, I and my belly, but we fit and I slept until 6. I don't think I've slept through the night in years. Between Janie waking up or Matt snoring, and now my middle of the night eliminations, I just can't sleep solidly.

So here I am, just waiting for the phone to ring. And I know that somewhere in their office are the results. Isn't it amazing that some people have so much control to make or break our days? All it takes is for someone to make my papers their priority for just a few minutes and I will be relieved of this wait. Yet, they are so used to having people's results and probably don't see the urgency in any of it. Why worry about these ones when there are new ones about to come in for someone else? I think that a waitress would put getting me a cold lemonade at a higher priority than a nurse or doctor getting me test results. It's all so backwards. What I really need is knowledge. Tell me what it says. It will only take a minute and it will relieve my anxiety. Sure I would like to know his weight, but what I'm really interested in is knowing he's okay.

Oh, and I plan to tell them that the u/s office had terrible equipment. Thinking back, I bet it was level I equipment and not level II because when we had an u/s with Janie a few days before she was born, we could make out all sorts of features.

Phone rang again and it wasn't them again.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

There's a monster in my closet

Google is a bad invention.

I'd say that the ultrasound was a bust. The ultrasonographer Helen kept the screen to herself so I couldn't see anything. She promised to let me see the baby at the end so I relented. Besides, I try so hard to be a good patient. Matt had a good view and so did the nurse, but not the person who has been lugging around this child. No.

She spent a long time looking at stuff at the lower hemisphere. She only said one word to the nurse during the whole thing and that was "ABS". I watched Matt's face during the ultrasound and I swear it looked like he was falling asleep. It confused the heck out of me since he was so excited going in. The silence was also deafening. After a while of laying flat on my back, I started to get really uncomfortable. My back started to hurt, I felt completely compressed and started to get feelings of claustraphobia. I wanted to get up and get some fresh air. The only thing that kept me laying there was the promise of seeing my baby at the end.

Then at the end she finally turned the screen to me. She told me that the age of the pregnancy makes it very hard to see anything. The bones make huge shadows so nothing is very reconizable except to her. She showed me the head, but it just looked like a giant circle and not a head. She also showed me the spine which was more recognizable seeing the spinal bones. At one pass I saw the heart beating, but it was while she was zipping over my belly talking about how hard it was to see anything. And it was hard, very foggy, very dense, full of just grey blobbies and I consider myself a pretty good reader of ultrasounds. She agreed that the baby was in breech position, but didn't give me any indication on size. She promised she would fax her report to my OB tonight so I could get news tomorrow, then sent us off.

So tonight I got googling trying to find what ABS means in ultrasound. Maybe it's the baby's position. Maybe it's some measurement. Maybe it's something about the location of the placenta. But all I can find is Amniotic Band Syndrome which looks very scary. I won't go into it but basically it would cause limb or digit amputations or deformities. And it's not genetic so it wouldn't have been in the amnio. And at the time of my ultrasound the baby could look perfect with all his digits and limbs but then the problem start sometime after.

And she was focused on the lower half by his limbs when she said this, and it's all she said. She certainly said nothing to us about any issues, but since she's not a doctor I don't think she can. She wouldn't even give us his weight estimate for goodness sake! She asked when my next appointment was and told me twice she'd be faxing it over today so I wouldn't have to wait the weekend.

I'm not panicking, but my mind isn't restful either. It's not something I can't handle, yet it's something I wouldn't want to.

Heck, let's just face it, I'm a worrier. I'm going to worry when there's nothing to worry about. And I will make up demons when none present themselves. I'm sure this baby is perfect with no such problems. I just wish I knew for sure. Tonight.

So tomorrow I have one goal and that's to call my OB's office and harrass them until I get the results back from today's ultrasound. And when I get it back and everything is fine, I will exhale again and then curse myself for googling.

Tick tock

A little more than 2 hours before my ultrasound. You can't wipe the smile from my face. I was even in a good mood at my OB's office this morning, which is unusual since I've been whining and complaining at every visit lately. Then I told her that I want my tubes tied at delivery and she told me that I should have signed the consent 4 weeks before delivery. I was shocked. We decided to back date the consent. Whew, close one.

In the parking lot, the car next to mine parked within inches of my door. Maybe in my skinniest days I could have shimmied into my van, but the state that I'm in made it impossible. Mission impossible. I opened the back hatch, climbed over the back row, crawled through the middle row, then climbed over the center console into the driver's seat, but with my feet in the passenger seat. Move the seat back, move the steering wheel up, then drag one leg at a time over into the driver side. Voila! I'm in!

So now I'm home and counting down the minutes. I've got to see this kid. I've got to see that he's okay. Sure, I'm curious about his size, but it's more along the lines of making sure he has all his parts and they are all normal. Matt is hoping that if I see his face in the ultrasound I'll settle on a name. Yea, good luck.

Right now I'm looking at two names. This can still change, and may, but it's good to have it down to two. Jack or Henry. Some are hoping I'll just name him Jack Henry. Could happen.

Getting closer... c'mon clock!

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Dog Days

My doggy is sick. She was laying around, not even getting up to greet me when I'd return into the house. We took her to the vet and an x-ray shows that she ate a plastic grocery bag. She's at the vet's today and they'll either get her to throw it up, or she'll have to have surgery. My poor dog. Today I feel so alone without her laying by my feet.

When I brought her into the vet's office, some woman had two large dogs on a leash who jumped at my dog, barking, growling, snarling. I was walking in just thinking about the possibility of surgery when these out of control dogs tried to attack, scared me and made me scream. The woman didn't even apologize, just acted like it was somehow my fault for bringing my dog in. Look lady, if you can't control your dogs then bring them in one at a time. My dog is also large but you'll notice that she stays by my side and sits when I say sit once. If she jumped and tried to attack some 9 month pregnant woman and her sick dog, I would at least apologize.

I forgot to say that I'm on Spring Break this week. Sure, I'm still working, but no school. I flashed Matt last night in my own absurd version of Girls Gone Wile. I asked if I should go to Fort Lauderdale and dance all night, maybe that would start labor. Then again, maybe Snoop would see my naked belly and too dark humongous nipples and be stricken blind. F'shizzle.

Monday, March 21, 2005

A New Kind of Two Week Wait

My c-section is two weeks from today. Two weeks. That's not that long at all. I think the regular two week wait is longer.

This weekend Matt finished painting the family room. He jokes that I get the nesting instinct so he has to work, but really I've been wanting this done for years and finally he's feeling the pressure. Nothing like planning on lots of visitors to get some home improvement projects finally finished.

I spread all my baby loot on the extra bed, but I haven't put it away yet. It was more of an inventory. I haven't washed the baby clothes yet nor taken tags off of anything. I have all the receipts saved too. Old habits are hard to break. Matter of fact, I still have my Lupron, pen and left-over repronex stored in the refrigerator. I promised Matt I will throw it out after the baby is born. (If someone needs it, please let me know.)

As I stand here, I still don't think it's real. These type of good things aren't normal, at least not in my world. It sounds strange that I say that when I do have Janie. Obviously there are good things. I just don't trust that pregnancy necessarily leads to a happy ending, or at least I don't anymore. Since Janie was born, my best friend has had three pregnancies. One baby was stillborn, one baby was born with Down's and serious heart problems, and one baby was born healthy. The scary thing is that she had no idea any of these things were going to happen and neither did her doctors. She's younger than I am too.

Today, I have an appointment with the nephrologist because of the continuing protein issue. I have a feeling that all that will happen is that she will order another 24 hour test for probably sometime after the birth. I think the doctors have all but concluded that the extra protein is just my kidneys suffering during this pregnancy which hopefully will resolve on its own. Thursday is my ultrasound because of size. I wish this would have been done two weeks ago when I was really anxious.

I have also come to the conclusion that I will end this blog after the baby is born. I'll still read and respond to other blogs, but knowing what I know, I don't know how I'll find time to maintain it. Plus, right now I've been feeling kind of like the lone tree falling in the forest. Do I make a sound? I don't know. Of course I will tell you all about the birth, but I can see myself slipping back into my nonblogging self after that. Motherhood to me is something I've been doing and I know. I may not be the best at it, but it holds more certainties for me than fertility or pregnancy ever could. I will have my tubes tied during the birth and end all of this cycling and uncertainty. I look forward to having that whole phase of my life behind me.

In the meantime, there is much to do. First of all I've got one big work project that has to be completed before the baby is born. Second, I've got to get my family room back in order now that the painting is complete. Third, I've got to finally get it together enough to remove the tags and wash the baby things. I've got to accept that this creature hiccuping in my belly may be born and be fine afterall. Not washing the baby things is magical thinking, like giving in to believing will make something bad happen. Oh the rational mind versus the fears of the heart in a fight to the finish.

Do you know what I wish? I wish I could write like like Tertia, or Grrl, or Julia, or Jo. I swear there are more interesting things going on in my mind than I can express in written words. I wish I could share with you the feeling of him moving around inside me, or the way my heart sings when my daughter talks about all she's going to do with this baby. And I'd tell you how this blog saved me when I was lonely and scared going through IVF without my best friend to talk to because she was dealing with her own issues at the time (newborn with disabilities). I needed a friend and through this blog I've found several women who understood. With my family and my coworkers, and sometimes even my husband, I would smile and pretend that I had everything under control. IVF, yea we're doing it, but it's just something we're trying. In reality it was more like, IVF, OMG what if it doesn't work. Then what?

But I didn't have to find out and in that way I do feel extremely lucky. I'll take my swollen fingers, sore back, cramped lungs, and general overloaded heaviness any day over what's behind door number 2. I know that many women before me and after me have had to venture through that door. I've watched them walk through, and they've described how they've felt on the other side, but I haven't had to go there. I admire them, because they keep going. Maybe another IVF or another, or maybe adoption or surrogacy. They've faced my fears and lived. I can't help but be in awe.

And what I want is for every woman to go through the two week wait I'm now in. The kind full of preparation and excitement instead of hold-your-breath kind of worry. I want them to complain about pregnancy and having nothing to wear instead of dealing with home studies or waiting for the next many months for another chance. I could sing "I'd like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony. I'd like to buy the world a coke, and keep it company" but that's a little too kumbaya for my taste.

So to my friends, I make this toast. "May we all get more than we deserve." Cheers.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Chunky Monkey

Regular OB appointment today. I'll keep it short because it's nothing you haven't heard before. The baby is breech, which wasn't a surprise to me since all my kicks are at 6:00 and there's a huge head-like bump at 12:00. And, she ordered an ultrasound (finally!) because I'm measuring ahead of dates (not for another week). Actually, I think I've been measuring ahead of dates for awhile, but her nurses always put down my number of weeks according to the 4/6 due date per LMP, and not my 4/12 due date per IVF. Even with that I've been ahead 1/2 week on size, but I think this week my doctor finally figured out that I'm really measuring 1 1/2 weeks ahead. So now I'm narrowing down his name to either Bubba or Chunky Monkey (after a very yummy ice cream).

On other news my father told me he may be taking over raising his two youngest kids. One is in high school and the other is in elementary school. His ex (#3) called and said that she wants to move out of state to get married. Since he doesn't want her to move the kids, she said he could have them. They're now negotiating the price of her house so that after his divorce from #4 he could buy it and move in instead of moving the kids.

Meanwhile, the kids have no idea. She hasn't told them anything. They haven't met the guy she's going to marry, much less told them that she will be marrying or that my Dad will be raising them. Nice, huh?

I don't get it. What happens that some parents just decide that they don't have to raise their kids? It happens all the time, especially with men, but women do it too. When my youngest sister was 15 my mother sent out-of-state to me to raise. My mother is now raising my oldest sister's high schooler, mainly because she gets in the way of my sister's social life. My father has left and rarely visited his kids every time he got divorced from their mother.

And I just don't get it. I can't imagine giving up Janie for anything or at any age. Maybe it's easier to say this since she's only 4, but I can't imagine my love for her changing or lessening as she ages. It's hard enough to send her to preschool or to a relative's for the weekend, much less just walking away to live my own life.

And this particular stepmonster (not a hit to all stepmothers but particular to her as this was one of the truly evil ones) surprises me because she really put herself out there as the perfect mother. She coslept with her son until he was at least 6, and bf him until almost 2. No daycare, no nanny, she wouldn't let anyone else watch him but her. And now, when he's only I think 9 years old, she's going to leave him to be with a guy?

Oh readers, why is the world so upside down?

Monday, March 14, 2005

Blah blah blah, I'm huge, blah blah blah

Last night on The Simpsons one of Marge's sisters went through International Adoption. There was one point during a commercial where I was glued to my seat and very anxious thinking that if they didn't end this one right I would stop all my years of watching this show. Thankfully they gave me my happy ending. Now if only all adoption journeys could be wrapped up between commercials.

Yesterday I let Matt measure my belly. I told him it was 46 inches just a few weeks ago. He disagreed, and sure enough, its now 50 1/2 inches around. I could write all my usual stuff about how uncomfortable I am, but I think you know.

While shopping at Lowes this weekend, a few different things happened. First, as I was pushing Janie in the cart, I hit a bump, stopping the cart, but I kept going. So I hit my stomach on it pretty good. I thought I would get a good bruise, but not even a red mark. My mind was then sidetracked thinking about his crushed hiney. If he comes out with so much as a dimple on his butt I will blame myself for not paying better attention as I was walking.

Second, as I was shopping for curtains for Janie's playhouse, an employee approaches me very moth-like.
You must be having twins.
No, I'm just big.
But you must be.
When are you due?
Very soon. This is my last month.
But you haven't dropped. Shouldn't your belly have dropped if you're getting close?
I never did with my first either.
I think it's twins. It must be. It has to be.
No, but thank you.

Do I have any posts which are not about how big I am? Not many. I try, but not many.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Working Mother Dilemma

Janie quote of the day... "And guess what Mom. I haven't picked my nose all day."

I've been kind of confused lately because I've started to doubt what I'm planning. I have been going through grad school with the intention of having this great degree and becoming a powerful mucky muck instead of someone who does her work from the dining room table in jeans and a t-shirt. I want to make the decisions instead of just giving information to those who do. And when I graduate, if I stay in my same company, I'll have a very good chance of getting such a position. All along that has been what I've wanted. Matter of fact, when I was a kid, playing office was my favorite game. I had a desk, manual typewriter, name plate, handmade business cards, and toy computer. Before I ever became a teenager I had read How to Dress for Success cover to cover more than once. I wanted to be scary smart, make changes, to have power, to be important. And money doesn't hurt either.

So I'm getting closer to this as I should graduate a year from May. I spoke to my boss, and she's fine about me working part time next school year so that I could get myself working back in Arizona and in an office right after graduation. She mentioned how much they love me and want me back and how she'd help me in getting a good position. So I should be happy, right?

That night, during one of my foggy stumbling naked trips to pee, I had a thought. What am I going to do with a high powered career and two kids? Not just one who will be in elementary school, but one who will be only one year old? How do I do this? Is it wrong? My mind started racing and soon I was wide awake on the couch, trying to let some stupid 3am tv show ease my mind back into lala land so I could rest.

Working at home, I've been able to get Janie to preschool at 9, and pick her up whenever. I can volunteer easily and have her here with me when she's sick. When Matt gets called out of town for weeks, I take care of it. When I travel out of town for work, I arrange to bring her with me or for family to watch her. I handle all childcare issues. It's not that Matt doesn' t help out, he does and he watches her quite often like when I'm in school. When I have this baby he'll be watching the two of them alone and he's not at all worried (and maybe he should be). I'd like to think that things are split 50/50 just like the magazines say we should do it, but let's face it, we've come a long way baby but we're still carrying more responsibility for the children and the house than our husbands. Case in point, when Matt and I got into our last argument over the messy house, he complained that I had to hire someone to do my job, i.e. clean the house. (Hmmm Matt, let's see what's wrong with that statement. First, the house is not my job but ours, and secondly isn't hiring someone a way to try to fix this problem of having a messy house? I am, afterall, only in my last month of pregnancy while working full time while going to grad school part time while raising a child. But I digress.)

Point is, I think all of this will get much harder once I start working in a real office again. I would have to either hire someone to be in my home, or drop off my kids in the morning somewhere. Somewhere, someone... I'm not comfortable with these. And it will all be on my shoulders, for me to figure out, plan and feel guilty about.

I guess I could work at home longer. But I've been doing it for 4+ years and I'm going stir crazy. I miss people and dressing up and my office and meetings in person. I hate being in the house all day every day. If it weren't for school I wouldn't have made it this long. Plus, my work has been putting up with me telecommuting only because I will eventually graduate and hopefully move back. They see an end and so they're willing to let me do this. Otherwise, there's no one else doing this. Trust me.

Could I beg for flexible hours or a flexible schedule? Maybe, but they don't work well for the female executive trying to succeed. I could very well end up on the Mommy track, which is short, frustrating, and not very well paid. Matter of fact, I could lose my job altogether if I don't show enough committment. Why work so hard all these years preparing to do a job and then only do it part way?

Pazel, isn't this what you've been working for all along?

I thought that having my baby while I was in school would be ideal. I could be with him while I still worked at home. Sadly, it's not going to happen until my last year and would have been much better my first year, but that's infertility for you.

I don't regret this pregnancy or baby or anything. I guess I'm just cursing infertility once again for putting this off until the last moment. And cursing the role of women for having such a large burden as to childcare. I mean, no one ever asks a man if he's going to keep working after he has a baby. And I'm cursing myself for not having an answer. How come it has to be either or and not both? How do women make this work? And will I hate myself for it? Am I never happy?

Please don't bash me for wanting to work outside the home, I'm looking more for different ideas or solutions or how to make it work.

How can a mother make it work working outside the home?

Friday, March 04, 2005

Human Snow Globe

I love you guys. Can I send around a pitcher of something blended, frozen and possibly alcoholic (for those who can)? Thank you so much for caring about me. I'm fine. I'm the same mess, but I'm fine.

Wednesday was a horrible day. I felt weak and tired all day. I was constantly back and forth with deciding to do something or not do something, waiting for my doctor's office to call me back. I felt better that evening but it had been a long day.

On Thursday my doctor's office calls me back about a half hour before my appointment. I was feeling better, but couldn't believe they waited so long.

Matt came with me to my doctor's appointment so he finally got to meet my OB. My shoulder was better (think it was computer and laying-on-my-side related), I had some energy, and not feeling sick anymore. She thought I had a one day flu. I don't think so, but it's hard to argue when I'm better (relatively so). My blood pressure is still low (102/something), so preeclampsia is still out. She referred me to a nephrologist to see about the protein (still high).

I begged her for an ultrasound, but she didn't go for it. She said there was no medical reason for it. You should have heard my arguments, which gave Matt a good chuckle but my OB wouldn't budge. ("But I have large babies!" "Well Pazel, you're having a c-section and I can take any size baby out that opening.") Then we set the date for the c-section. While the rest of her office believes April 6th is my due date (from LMP), my doctor knows it's April 12th because of the IVF. (Damn!) I wanted it at 38 weeks, she's a firm believer in 39 weeks. After more begging and not getting anywhere, she set it for Monday April 5th, promising me that Mondays are great surgery days. Matt was happy (wants to put it off as long as possible) but I am not. I can't see waiting that long.

Later that day, I discovered that Monday is April 4th, not the 5th. I called and left a message because I want that extra day back. (What a ninny I am.) Technically then we've set a date, I'm just not sure if it's the 4th or 5th, but we have one. Meanwhile, my mission will probably be to start labor earlier, like after Easter. I can't see me going that long - physically or emotionally. Actually, every day is hard at this point. I'll probably start googling for ways to start labor in about 2 weeks.

I'm so huge that getting around is very difficult. Physically, I get out of breath easily, I can't get comfortable, and my muscles are weak. I have very little clothes I can wear because most can't cover me. Finally, I am embarrassed about my size, how much I've gained and how big I am. I hate going out, especially seeing anyone I know. I feel like after I've left they're probably talking about how I lost all that weight before and now I've gained it back plus. It's not just my belly, but my thighs are pretty scary and I'm in loathing of my back.

So, I'm going to tell you how much I've gained. Remember, this isn't twins. About 40 lbs, and I've got this one month still to go. Last pregnancy I gained 38 and started out higher, but it was mostly fluid. I lost all but 5 lbs of it by my 6 week postpartum visit. I feel like I'm going to end up at the same weight as before, only starting out lighter, and this time it's not fluid as I don't have much swelling. I feel like I'll be huge forever.

I'm not the beautiful pregnant woman with the still trim everything but basketball belly. You know, the kind they show in the magazines, who later they show trotting her baby around in the expensive stroller while she dons some tight shirt to show off her abs. I'm the shorter, rounder, plumper version with the scrappy overworn clothes, exhausted look on my face, and eyes searching for a place to sit down. Imagine something more akin to the girl who expanded like a blueberry and turned blue in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory except without the blue.

Another month of this? You've got to be kidding me.

Pregnancy is not fun. It is a means to an ends, getting a baby/child. There's a lot of women out there who are able to do this a lot better than me. The waiting is excruciating, not just for all the uncomfortableness (huge understatement but how it's often described), but for all the worry. Yesterday I shook my stomach like a giant snowglobe for several seconds until he finally kicked me back. Poor little guy, his mama's gone nuts.

The good thing about getting a date (however ambiguous) is that I have something to tell the relatives/friends/coworkers who've been bugging me for information. What they ask most often is the name and for the 100th time, we don't have one yet. Yes, I know it's getting close, believe me I know. We just haven't been able to settle on one. Boy names are harder. I'm going to have to see his little face. What does he look like? A Daniel? An Evan? A Jack? I need some good names because I really am not in love with any of them.

Or, if you've ever seen that Seinfeld episode where Kramer was doing the movie phone...I'll look in to his little eyes and say, "Why don't you just tell me what your name is?"

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Feeling crappy

I'm grumpy and tired and don't feel well. I actually had to take several breaks while making my daughter's PB&J or when picking out her clothes. I just weak, my right shoulder is weak and sore (not severe, possibly computer related, but I can't lay on that side and don't want to use that arm), and slightly sick to my stomache. Maybe it's because I only slept for 1 hour last night. Just 1, from 5-6, when I then had to get up for work. Maybe? I should say that's probably the reason I feel so bad.

So I called my OB's office. A medical assistant calls me back and tells me that it's all normal for this stage of pregnancy or caused my my apparent cold. I try telling her several times that I don't have a cold, only this damn cough I've had since the beginning of December. Besides, I'm more concerned about this sudden weakness and fatigue that came on this morning, and I've been pregnant before. On and on she continues about how so many people in her office are sick with the same cold. I Don't Have A Cold!

So I asked her to have someone else call me back. This is a huge inconvenience since I have an appointment tomorrow, why can't I just wait until then?

Good question, why can't I?

I just can't. I feel terrible.

Related or unrelated, my urologist called me this morning and told me that my second 24 hour pee test also came back at 240 for protein which is twice normal, but below preeclampsia levels. He said he's sending me back to my OB for monitoring. Besides, he tells me, this is more for a nephrologist than a urologist. He says he talked to a nephrologist friend of his who said it's probably fine, just to repeat the 24 hour when I'm post partum to see if it resolves itself after the birth. (Googled protein in urine besides preeclampsia and get things like diabetes, lupus, multiple myelome, or kidney disease. Not a good search, so I'll dismiss it all. Well the diabetes one made me think since I do have PCOS which means insulin resistance, and I also have a history of big babies with my nearly 9lb daughter. On the other hand, I did pass my 1 hour GD test.)

I guess I'm just feeling tired and bitter. I hate it when my feelings are dismissed without even listening to them. I am not feeling well monitored during this pregnancy. Like I can just have another if something bad happens.

Reality is that I'm probably feeling so horrible from not sleeping. And the protein is nothing to worry about. And I'm just so worried that something is going to happen and take away this baby. I feel powerless and getting angry at the doctor's office when they're probably giving me normal, rational care. I'm simply paranoid and driving myself and everyone else crazy.