Tuesday, August 09, 2005

When I'm sixty-four...

I think about my life a lot differently now. I'm 34, so when Jack is my age I'll be 68. That's nearly 70, and pretty old. I want to help my children, spend time with them when they're parents. I suppose that is the true side of having children later in life. We don't get to be grandparents for as long as if we had had them earlier.

My mother had me when she was 22, and I am her second child. She's still very young, vibrant and energetic. She loves to run Janie to the beach or get down on the floor and play with her for hours.

For me to do the same for my grandchildren, I need to take care of myself now. I want to be a young 70. Maybe only look 50. Still exercising, travelling, reading, and playing. I don't want to be wearing grandma clothes and have that short curly white hair. I want to still be able to wear pony tails if I want, and drive something small and sporty.

And I want to live a long life. My paternal grandfather died at 94. He was still living on his own in his house. He had fallen into some glass and the hospital accidentally gave him a morphine overdose. My father didn't even sue or get that angry. Accidents do happen, he was very old, and a morphine overdoes is not a bad way to die.

My maternal grandmother is still alive at 90-something. Sort of. She has dementia so she has no clue who anyone is. The last time I saw her was 4 years ago. She didn't remember me or my mother, but kept asking for my older sister. And she thought her husband, who had died 20 years earlier, was still alive.

I don't want a long life without my mind. And I want my body too. Maybe not all that it is now, but a strong heart and ability to get around.

If I hadn't been infertile, my youngest child would now probably be 5 instead of a baby. That doesn't sound like a big difference, yet to me right now it seems to be. I guess that's because I assume he'll have his children at the same age I had mine, so it's always doubling the difference.

The benefits of having children now is that I'm in a much better place financially. To me this means security as I'm not so much into material things. And next year we plan on buying a house in a good place to raise children, hopefully with an acre to play on. That wouldn't have been possible before.

Also, because I keep figuring out how old I'll be when they're my age, I'm trying to live my life in a healthier way. More fiber. Less sugar. Now, for the exercise I've been putting off but that really makes me feel better.


Blogger swissmiss said...

I think about this a lot too. Both of my parents died before I got married, let alone finally finally had my son. It breaks my heart that my parents will never know my son, and that my son will never know one set of his grandparents. And it scares me to think that I would not know my son's child/ren, assuming he chose to (and is able to) have them.

On my husband's side, there seems to be better longevity. Both his parents have outlived mine, and his grandmother died at 93 - before our son was born, but she did live to see two of her now four great-grandchildren. They lived right next door to her, and she saw them every day, and we are all convinced the pleasure of them added a year to her life.

What a thought - to see my great-grandchildren! Since my son is six months old, that's certainly a distant star. Probably best to just focus on what we're going to do when he wakes up from his nap...

I hope the sleep situation is getting better for you. Did you ever take that night in the other room?

1:35 AM  
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